The new blog is up! Update your bookmarks. :)

Blog moving!

I have been dealing with health and life issues, so I haven't been blogging here. As one of my first acts back, I'm moving he blog! Once it's live on the new site, I'll be providing the new address so you can follow along. 

Thanks for your patience!

On Being Dominant And Gifting

It seems to blow some peoples' minds that I am a Domme who loves giving things. No one notices anything out of place in a Domme who gets things, of course; the fact that I am typing this on an iPad that was a gift from a potential submissive seems absolutely natural. (And it is, for what that's worth. That's our dynamic.) Some people just don't get the equally natural joy that I experience when I give something. I'm going to try to explain.

The first thing to understand is that what I love to give are things I make. It's not fun for me to go buy something for someone. I want to create. I love, need, to make things. It's part of being who I am. Learning a new skill or perfecting an existing one is a high-reward thing for me. (And my Chosen are shameless aiders and abettors, bless each of them!)

The next thing is that I don't need all the things I make. I don't create at a high enough volume to sell, but really. How many scarves do I need? Sweaters? Teeny TARDISes and K-9s? Therenis such a thing as making something I'll never use for the sheer joy of the process, and then not needing it.

So what do I do with these things? That's right. I gift them. I love the rush that comes from presenting; I love the joy that someone experiences. And yes, these feelings are magnified if the recipient is a submissive. Even if that submissive isn't mine.

So yes, send me presents! I love them. But don't be surprised if eventually you get something handmade. Because this Domme loves giving.

Video Camera! And NEEHU 2012!

Tonight i took the first steps toward bringing back a more definitive online presence: I bought a video camera. This allows me to do so many things i couldn't before.

High on the list is videos for my own enjoyment, videos of my Chosen in trance. I would imagine that few of these will ever be seen by anyone but me. I look forward to them, though.

And then there are other reasons... ;)

Times of Dawning

Times of Dawning
Every so often in life, I find the choices I made do not reflect the me I wish to be: healthy, strong, and full of life. Looking back at the past 18 months, I can safely say these choices have fallen out about 50/50. I can do better than this.

It was about that time that the "day job" I took as head of household began. As head of my house, I feel strongly that it is my obligation to make sure needs are met. At the time, this simply wasn't happening. I thought that a job which took place on my favorite shift would be a positive thing.

I did not count on walking into one of the most toxic work environments I have ever experienced. Even with trance help and medicine to assist with my biological issues, it simply will not do for me to work at that job any longer. I have stuck it out to ensure my family's needs get met, but it has drained me of energy I can ill afford to lose.

I have put on weight. For the weight itself, I could care less, but it is affecting my joints. (The rest of my health remains undamaged, for which I am grateful.) I have lost the time I needed to record.

More sadly, I have not had time or energy to connect with community. I miss that so very much.

It's time this turned around. New dawnings are important. At Samhain, I began to hunt for a new job. I have some promising leads. I am also typing this on my new iPad, a gift from a sweet obedient boy. (Yes, this makes me happy!) I have new ideas for the future of the Realm.

In the outer world, winter is beginning. In the Realm, crocuses and snowdrops are peeking through the whiteness. It's time for beginnings.

I Was Going To Blog About My New Recording...

... but this came in, and I just couldn't help myself.

People ask what a "do-me" submissive is. Friends, I bring you: Random Messenger.

Friday night on the way somewhere with my Jukebox, I got this series of IMs.

(10:51:16 PM) Random Messenger: hi queen

(10:51:44 PM) ladyruetha: Can't really talk right now, sweetie... but went ahead and added. :)

(10:52:14 PM) Random Messenger: why cant you talk?

(10:52:30 PM) ladyruetha: I'm a bit busy. :) 

(10:53:13 PM) Random Messenger: with phone sex calls eh?

(10:53:56 PM) Random Messenger: i saw your profile on (Website Redacted).......

(10:54:15 PM) Random Messenger: all women on there have their own websites, and most have "phone sex" listings with Niteflirt as well........thats why i ask

(11:00:46 PM) ladyruetha: Actually, not tonight... but perhaps soon.

(11:01:13 PM) Random Messenger: well count me out

(11:01:27 PM) Random Messenger: i'm definitely not into paying 2 bucks a minute to talk to someone..lol

(11:01:28 PM) Random Messenger: no offense

(11:06:31 PM) Random Messenger: but i would like very much to be hypnotized by you

(11:06:36 PM) Random Messenger: let me put my cam on for you..hang on

(11:07:26 PM) ladyruetha: I don't use cam.

(11:07:32 PM) ladyruetha: And I did say I'm busy?

(11:10:23 PM) Random Messenger: well i'm sorry, but your going to need to get a cam,

(11:10:32 PM) Random Messenger: and unfortunately, i must insist you ignore the other "loser" and talk to me

(11:12:40 PM) ladyruetha: The other "loser" is in the room with me and giggling like a loon right now. Maybe he'll write someone like you into one of his stories.

(11:13:55 PM) Random Messenger: well the only reason he is there, and i'm not........is because you dont "know me" :)

(11:14:32 PM) Random Messenger: he is a pathetic loser, and i  am twice the man he will ever be........furthermore, you would "pick" me over that pathetic worm of a man i guarentee.....its just that you dont "know me"

(11:15:15 PM) Random Messenger: he is the lowest form of a weak, pathetic, helpless male i have ever come across........he is more pathetic than a puppy dog

(11:15:23 PM) ladyruetha: LOLOLOLOL -Do tell.

(11:16:13 PM) Random Messenger: tell me, when you see him naked, do you "laugh" at how small of a penis he has? does it remind you of a "vienna sausage"?

(11:16:58 PM) ladyruetha: Hee. You are so very funny. I have to go, but do feel free to keep talking. I'll read it tomorrow.

(11:18:29 PM) Random Messenger: ok sweety, talk to you then

 Tomorrow, I will break this down and explain what he did wrong for those who don't get it. Today, I just want to let this stand as it is... a monument to "HAHAHAHAHAHANO."

My Latest Float Session

I had a fantastic massage and float tank session last week, sponsored by one of my Chosen. This was the best session I've yet enjoyed, confirming my suspicion that the more you do them, the more you get out of them.

I started out without any plans for meditation. While I'm currently meditating on Air in my spiritual life, I decided to simply let my Deep Self guide my experience this time. One of the themes I've been exploring these last few months is trusting my Deep Self to tell me its needs and, by extension, my needs.

So I showered, got into the warm water, and floated. "OK, Deep Self, what do we need to experience today?"

Almost immediately I was flooded with a sense of love and compassion for my deepest self and my body. It was so sudden and unexpected that I found myself holding my breath for a moment. As I exhaled the surprise and tension left my body and I floated in multiple senses.

It is no shock to hear that fat people have body issues. What was still new and unexpected was the sense that I was listening to my own voice. "Gods, you are beautiful. Look at what your body has done!" This was followed by a list of the amazing things my body does, did, and will do. While (as many of you know) I advocate body love and incorporate it into my recordings, this was not the same words I have previously recorded, either for others or for my own private use.

The words were accompanied by a sense of being held and loved. Float tanks are supposed to recreate the womb, but this was not maternal. Neither was it sexual. It simply was, and I have no idea how long it lasted.

I kept this sense of love all week, which was rather important as a GI bug hit me Wednesday. All through that time, I kept talking to my body with that sense of love and compassion as I tranced as much as I could and cheered my T-cells on.

Isn't trance an amazing thing?

Isn't it wonderful when a Domme is feeling inspired? I can't wait for this year to get going. Letting things rest fallow was the right thing to do...

Solstice Eve Night

And so, here we are, my friends. It is Solstice Eve Night. It feels like I have journeyed a long way this evening, so forgive me if I relax for a bit, won't you?

I have long decried the myths of The Perfect Domme. One of those myths is that we are always in the space to be dominant the fact is that over the past year, I haven't been there at all. I have found myself restricting my desire to dominate to my Chosen, a few select pets, and otherwise trying to live a relatively "normal" and mundane life. I promised myself I would try harder to be dominant outside that circle, but just didn't feel it so much. Writing the post about my Seran was an important step, but insufficient.

I needed to step back a bit and look at the things that are important to me. This became even more true as it became obvious that a new, mundane-level job would limit my travel. Friends from the community are moving on, doing their own thing, and while I by no means claim to have planted all of the seats, it was nice to see so many of those I did plant growing.

I have said before that, without being selfish, my dominance is still about me and what I want. That is still true. I have decided that I'm still interested in an online training program, still interested in putting out CDs and MP3s, still interested in exploring the joy of trance play with my Chosen and pets. What I am not interested in is do-me "submissives" even, most of the time, in a phone sex context. I have enjoyed that before, and I probably will again; there is much to appreciate about what Erica Jong called the "zipless fuck."

But right now, there are my Chosen and pets to tend, there are e-mails to write to loving friends who have been so patient with me (HypnoMedia, Vassal, Jaya, Amitus, I'm talking to you here!), And there are decisions to make as to which events I will attend next year and in what capacity.

As we enter the new year, I wish for everyone so many good things. I have two weddings to attend next year, weddings of hypnotic friends. I have books to write. (And thank you, LeeAllure, for your support… I will be writing you very soon as well!) I have the online training program to record and get posted. There is so much positive coming, and I choose to revel in it.

May you be blessed.

Post Deepmind Darkwood

As I sit here knitting on my day off, I look back at this weekend with a huge smile on my face.

I'm never sure just how much I can talk about the events which I attend. So often the most meaningful parts of any event are also the most private. I simply don't know if I have permission to discuss details that were so meaningful to me; I very much want to respect others' privacy.

Yet there is so much I want to share about this weekend. I want to talk about the discussion after the Power Animal meditation. I want to give my thoughts on the not-quite-Samhain ritual out by the fire pit. I want to talk about the confidences shared afterwards when we came in from the brief rain shower. I want to talk about how comfortable I felt. I want to talk about the cheerful energy, about the way everyone seemed to just flow with each other. If I thought there was a way I could do so without breaking privacy I would.

Instead, those words above will simply have to do. They will have to be the taste I give the world of how wonderful it was. They will have to express the joy in the calm and the re-centering. And maybe that's good enough. Maybe that's all I need to do, right now, to honor the others there and the emotions I felt.

I will say, however, that the strength of this community is growing and building. More and more people are finding value in each other, in sharing expertise, in learning from others' mistakes and in drawing inspiration from their fabulous successes. I think that maybe the most important thing of all: the sure and certain knowledge that we are not alone. There are other people out there who "get it" and who are happy-no, joyous-to continue to form community, to learn and play and grow.

If-gods forbid-I was to get hit by a bus tomorrow, I would feel good about this community and my contribution to helping you grow. Things are so very different from 10 years ago, when the only gathering sites were IRC, the Yahoo! chat rooms, and the MC stories messageboard. 10 years ago, even picking up the phone to call someone else in the community was considered a brave and daring act. Now play happens on a frequent basis.

I honestly don't know what the next decade will bring. 10 years ago, Deepmind Darkwood would have been just a fantasy. NEEHU would have been beyond imagination. Yet these things did happen, are happening, and will go on. For that, I am deeply and profoundly grateful.

Deepmind Darkwood Was Awesome!

I'm sitting on the plane waiting for departure on the way back from Deepmind Darkwood, a small hypnosis weekend retreat in New England. I got to see friends I hadn't seen since Hypnoticon, meet some new people, present on Finding Your Power Animal, hold a sort of pre-Samhain ritual around a fire under the waning moon, and get an amazing massage to boot. In fewer than 18 hours, I had a whole weekend of awesome.

I wish I could have been there for longer (had to work Friday and Sunday nights), but the chance of it happening next year is incredibly high. I really hope it does!

Special thanks to:
LeeAllure and MrDream for making it happen, for getting me there and for friendship
Lee'sMandy for picking me up at the airport
Everyone who volunteered in the kitchen! We'd be lost without you!
My sleepykitten for tending to me
My Vassal for ongoing awesomeness
Everyone who participated in the ritual

Now I need sleep!

Seven Things That Cross My Mind A Lot

7. Sex. :)

6. My spirituality. I'm very pagan. Especially at this time of year, I feel a keen connection to the Earth and Nature. I tend to listen to music with a spiritual bent at work, f'rinstance.

5. Science. I also love science and get very annoyed when people get stupid about topics like evolution. It works, bitches!

4. My family. I don't talk about them on a kink blog for obvious reasons, of course!

3. Random bs. What would the spawn of Reid and Garcia on Criminal Minds be like? Why is the music for Bladerunner so loud... It makes people annoyed with Vangelis? What kind of bird is that? Did my cat mean to bark just then? (Jukebox and I abet each other in this.)

2. At the moment? Holiday gifts. :)

1. Love. For my Chosen, for my pets, for my friends.

Eight Ways To My Heart

8. Be geeky. I really can't emphasize that enough out of my last several partners, I met almost all of them online, and the one I didn't I met at DragonCon.
7. Back scratches. Back rubs. Foot rubs. Brush my hair. Touches that are sensual, but not necessarily sexual.
6. Be willing to put up with my cheesy fascinations for things like true crime, The Amazing Race, big weather and Earth science, and other completely random but fun to me things.If you those things as well it goes a long way.
5. Bring me wildflowers. I don't care much for roses. I am not a hothouse flower kind of woman. Unfortunately I am also really bad at keeping live plants alive.
4. Similarly, forget expensive jewelry or "standard" romantic gifts. I like the funny, the practical, and the thoughtful.
3. Show me you can have a good time without needing to drink. I am not a fan of alcohol. While it is okay if you personally enjoy the taste, don't expect me to join in, and be aware that drinking to excess is a sure way out of my heart.
2. Watch sports with me. I enjoy curling, American football, sumo, hockey, and (in small doses) what most of the world calls football. During the Olympics, I will watch just about anything if I'm bored. I don't play fantasy leagues and I don't gamble, but man, it's fun to watch!
1. Be willing to sleep with me. I'm not talking about sex. I'm talking about curling up for a nap together. It feels wonderful, it's cozy, and it builds trust for me.


This is the first blog post dictated on my voice dictation software. It didn't do too badly! I'm learning to use it so that I can do things with my hands while I'm also telling a story, working on trance scripts, or other fun things. If you see something that looks a little odd, and you don't think I noticed, please tell me.

Nine Things About Me

1. When adoring me, it is far better to pet me lightly than to hold me tightly.
2. I am straight down the middle bisexual but my relationships with women haven't gone as well as I'd have hoped.
3. I watch a lot more TV than I did five years ago, but I also read far more than I did then. DVR makes it possible for me to enjoy TV without my ADD kicking in too hard. It never bothered me when I read.
4. I am not grabby with my Chosen. Still, ask first before play!
5. I would much rather watch two of my beloved have sex than be in the middle of a threesome.
6. I am talentless in the kitchen.
7. It's as if my life has a divider right along the line of the century. My 20th and 21th century life are radically different.
8. I am a much calmer person with adequate sleep. I never get it, though.
9. I've spent ten minutes trying to think of what number nine should be!

Ten Things I've Wanted To Say To Ten Different People

I assigned my pets and Chosen this one... might as well jump in myself!

1. Hell froze over when you apologized. I'm so glad you did. The healing isn't perfect, but it's a damn sight better than it was. Thank you for owning your mistakes. I own mine too: I saw you as idealized, and I kept hoping you would find comfort and peace in us. We were too different. Namaste.
2. A part of me is missing tonight and every night until we are together in physical space again. I worry I am not strong enough to be ethical every time we part. I love you.
3. You have no idea how much I want you... but there's that lesbian sheep thing. I am trying to overcome my paralysis. I love you.
4. I keep thinking someday you're going to grow away from me and leave. I can't tell whether that's common sense or abandonment issues talking! I love you.
5. I love you and your rage scares me. Please get help.
6. You are so strong. Own your strength. I love you.
7. To multiple people: I miss howling together. I miss the Parkway under the full moon. I miss the time when the world was so simple that what happened online seemed to matter. I hope those memories make you happy as they do me. I love you all!
8. I don't even know if you're alive, but you imprinted me and shaped me. I don't know if I feel joy in what we experienced or pity for what followed. 26 years later, a full quarter of a century, and I can still see your eyes and smell your scent. I hope you are well. I fear you aren't.
9. I am utterly and completely shattered on a primal level by your loss. I hope you would be proud of me. I still cry thinking of you. I hope you are resting in peace. I fear that my grief prohibits that. The world is darker and less safe.
10. Please forgive yourself. You are not perfect. You are a good person who has sometimes made less than ideal choices. You are talented and creative no matter what your inner tape recordings tell you. You are worthy of being loved. Please let go of the energy of the memories that make you cry out aloud like a whiplash. Failing that, get yourself beaten so you can do penance and be done, OK? I love you, even when you can't accept it.

Helping My Chosen Succeed

I love giving my Chosen assignments and then doing little things to help them. Not the actual work, mind, but just some... like assigning one to start a blog on his favorite TV show and then DVRing episodes so that he can watch while he visits, perhaps seeing new episodes and building up a backlog for the fallow times.

It's a happy.

On Loss and Mourning a Pet

I know it's been two months. Let me explain the silence.

As you know if you've been reading, I lost one of my beloved Chosen to offline and non-D/s life needs a few months back. It happened shortly before NEEHU, while my life was insanely busy with family and cons and new job.

Then right after NEEHU I got my current non-D/s job, and I put hypnosis on hold to get back into having a 9-5 again. (And it is 9-5, two days of the week. The other two it's 9-9. It's just pm-am instead of am-pm.) And that was an easy call to make, because I didn't want to hypnotize anyone except my Chosen and a couple of other people.

I beat myself up a lot over this, but over time I've come to realize that I hadn't allowed myself to mourn the loss of one of my best friends. I didn't want to write. I didn't want to trance.

Then I got the package he sent with his hypno-stuff, and that was an emotional (although not malicious!) gut-punch. His under-pillow headset for listening to files. His files, all carefully labelled. And the saddest part of all was my Valentine's gift to him from a couple of years back: a cross-stitch that said "Be Mine."

It sounds so silly. We'd joked that we all knew it was a command, not a cheesy statement of cliched romance. But love was what it meant.

I hear so often that Dommes don't love their subs, they only use them. Nothing could be further from the truth. My Chosen are family. They are lovers. They are loved.

I had known him since 2000. Staring at the snow-white cloth with red flowers and letters, I felt the loss brutally keenly.

I still completely support him. I trust him to do what he needs to do. But admitting I missed him while shoving the feelings away didn't help.

This last week, while dealing with unrelated strong sadness (don't worry, everyone is fine), I came to realize why this fallow period has been so strong. I miss my Seran, my star. It hurts.

I just want him to be OK.

Day-to-Day Frustration

I have a good day job now, while we recover from the damage caused by Jukebox being out of work. I love the team, the environment, the company attitude. Once I get on nights, I'll even love the hours.

Right now, though, it feels like my life is on hold until I know my permanent schedule. Just a few things I have to wait on:

* I can't get a schedule in place to make sure I have dates with my Chosen. This is really bugging me.

* I can't take calls on a regular basis.

* Having to get up at 0530 is killing my evening phone time too.

* My physical fitness projects are on hold.

* Visiting Chosen and pets is impossible to schedule.

*Cant record either.

With all of this, I have to vent a bit. I just want to know my schedule so I can begin to adjust my life.

Fallow Times Happen...

It feels like I'm waiting on a lot right now. Waiting on holding some of my Chosen again. Waiting to find the words to describe NEEHU2's Saturday, Sunday, and Monday... especially the collaring ceremony. Waiting on my Dommespace.

Domme/sub energy is like all energy: It ebbs and flows and swirls. Sometimes it's so powerfully strong that it feels like primal fire. Sometimes it's so far receded that the rocky and sandy bottoms of life are painfully visible.

At NEEHU2 I could feel it so very powerfully, and since then the tide has mostly been in. This week and weekend I see the seabed grasses, despite the waters being wind-whipped into froth.

It is almost Dark Moon, and I feel the urge to curl into myself. I have never been one who finds true power in darkness. I find it in light and illumination and revelation. And so I curl into myself, and I wait for the words to flow again.

They will. Ebb and flow and swirl and change itself is the one constant. I silence myself and wait for their return.

**grin** About some incongruities with that last post...

Saturday, I had a migraine. But I really, really wanted to get the next NEEHU blog up... so I told Jukebox "You're going to take dictation for me, pet."

And I rested on the bed with my eyes closed and dictated the blog entry to him. It was fun, it was useful, and we might do it again soon... but he DOES capitalize me reflexively. So if you were wondering where all the "My" and "Me" and "Mine" came from, well, it's because of him.

Hee. So cute.

Next NEEHU installment tomorrow!