The Holidays are Coming!

I went ahead and updated my wishlist for the holidays. Since I've come out as a BBW for reals, now I can put clothes I want on there! And hosiery! (Now I want to do a pantyhose trance really really really a lot. ;) ) So if you want hot pics of me in hose, or babydolls, or whatever... those are on there now!

There's something in just about every price range. So if you want to pamper me... you know where to look!

Marie Claire and @MauraKellyBlog Reaction, And A New Resolution

Tomorrow, I'll be reposting Lady Isis's wonderful blog entry "To Losers," with her permission. Today, however, before I could get that post up something happened. It's something that made me reverse a decision I made. Gentle Reader, today I Saw Red, and I'm going to do something about it.

In the past, I've told people I'm a BBW. Most people know this going in when they first meet me. The ones who care rapidly fall away. The ones who don't get to know me better... some very, very well. But when I made the decision to go pro Domme, I was worried that my looks would get in the way of my career. After all, the stereotype is of the slender, tall, on-high-heels Dominatrix built up in the media. I kept telling myself it was a career decision. After all, it's the romance of the thing, right? Surely that's what matters? And I was experiencing a lot of anxiety on that level with the Sex Robot video. I worried about that negatively impacting sales, instead of positively impacting them.

In retrospect, that's when things really started to go downhill with my health, and I think I know why. You see, I am a hypnotist, and what I tell my unconscious mind, it starts to live.

For years, I had been deeply in love with my body. It does such amazing things. Still, like many fat women in this society, I'd internalized the shame that comes along with it. As long as I was active, moving, happy, dancing, having great - no, fantastic - sex, doing yoga, my body loved me back. Knee injuries hampered some things, but overall everything was wonderful. Great cholesterol, blood pressure my skinny sisters would kill for, healthy skin and hair... I had it all. Until I told it that it wasn't good enough for my job.

Suddenly, things started to happen. My blood pressure went up by ten points. My desire for healthy foods tanked. My knees hurt more. You see, when I told my body "people won't like you," it listened. I was telling myself that the shame I'd fought against for years was valid.

I was starting to come to this conclusion already, over the time I'd spent away from home the last month. I think I looked fantastic in the Sex Robot video. I find fat chicks attractive, myself, and one of my first reactions was "Damn, I would totally fuck me!"

Then, today, came the final epiphany. Marie Claire Magazine posted a blog entry from someone talking about "Mike and Molly," the sitcom with two fat characters in love. To be honest, I'd never watched the show. I'm not much for sitcoms... give me Discovery Channel any day... so my reaction was fair-to-negative. "Oh, yay, more making fun of fat people. Just what I need in my life, fat jokes. I'll pass."


But oh, this review was nasty. Warning: fat-phobic trigger language in there, read at your own risk.

Even that half-assed apology doesn't cut it. You see, no one, but no one, gets to tell me that I don't deserve to have so much as physical affection because of a hundred pounds of adipose tissue. No one who finds it "aesthetically displeasing" to watch a fat person *cross the room* gets to tell me that I should exercise more. And yes, I think she is acting like an insensitive jerk.

I have a lot of compassion for the writer's eating disorder history. When I was a teenager, I roomed with a girl with anorexia. She was 5'6" and weighed sixty-five pounds when they finally got her into treatment. I saw the agony my roommate experienced. Given that, I can't and won't say or imply that this writer is a bad person. But I also refuse to give her the power to tell me how my body should look.

And the fact is that I am a fucking Goddess. In the old-school fashion, those ancient Venuses and Maltese temple deities. I love the way my hips sway when they walk. I love my curves and my skin and my hair. I love my sensuality, the way my hair tickles the small of my back, the way carpet feels under my bare feet. I love the soft flowing dresses I wear in Dommespace and the way they puddle to the floor at my ankles as I shed them. I love the way finger and toenail polish flashes as I move.



I love my ass. (Jukebox loves to go up the stairs behind me, especially when I'm naked.) I love Public Displays of Affection, everything from holding hands to deepkisses to stolen gropes. I love my tattoos.



I have not been single since I was seventeen. I have not had fewer than two romantic partners since 1993, except for a brief span in 2003-2004, and even then I had other sexual partners. Fuck yes, I'm sexy. Fuck yes, this fat body can do amazing things!

I love my body's power. I love the focus and care I have for my trance partners, and how deep they go as I ensnare their minds. Make no mistake: I am a hypnoDomme, and I love to wield that mystique and that power and that sexuality. I love making my partners change, gasp, moan, come so hard they can't even speak for an hour. I love gently and thoroughly brainwashing people. I love my voice. I love running my hands over my partners' bodies and feeling them shudder with heat. I love the way my huge, non-perky breasts ache and my thighs get slick when I'm hypnotically Dominating someone.



And, oh yeah, I'm fat. And I'm sexual. And I'm sexy as hell. And I love being both. And from now on, there will be pictures on my site... because I love my body, and it's not getting shortchanged any more.
.
(And, oh yeah, that blood pressure? Back down to 110/70, thank yew very much. And the veggies at dinner tasted delicious.)

"Sex Robot": Me on TV!

Yes, I was on Discovery Health for the documentary "Sex Robot." I am in the process of editing the video to snip out the parts I filmed so I can post them on my website. I'm learning to use a video editor in order to do it, so the process is slow. I want to be sure to get it right.

(Incidentally, and worth its own paragraph by far: A HUGE thanks to Bri_chan for helping obtain the video! I owe you, sweetie... expect me to pay up. ;) )

This was a terrifying and exhilarating experience. On the one hand, I really wanted to get something on hypnosis for technophiliacs out there. On the other hand... being on TV. Especially on a documentary which, let's face it, was more likely to be a "wow, freaky people!" video than a "isn't this neat?!" show.

I was aware that it could provide great exposure. I am also aware that being a BBW is fine for some people, as long as they aren't confronted with the reality of me actually being big and soft. Nevertheless, I decided that it would be worth it to go on and get on film.

I look slightly different in this video than I might normally at, say, a con. Normally, I wear purple. For this filming, I elected to wear red. It pops more on camera. Don't worry, though... I'm going to keep going with the purple. In fact, within a couple of weeks I am going to dye at least some of my hair purple! I also wore makeup, because I knew better than to go on camera without it. Ah, stagecraft!

I was, of course, a bit nervous about seeing the video. Copper and I watched it together after a few other people had seen it and reassured me that they enjoyed it. To my almost total surprise and joy, I found that nothing I said had been taken out of context. The editor did a great job of getting out one of the most important points I felt I wanted to get across. Furthermore, they showed a lot more of the induction than I thought they would. Even better, the couple in the video very much came across as the loving, committed partners they are.

We were not, of course, the full focus of the program. We knew that. I was completely unsure how much we would be in the film at all. To be in as much as we were, in the way we were, makes me very happy. It's something I'm proud to be putting up on my website.

Ahhh... it was a good birthday!

I was greeted with the following IM yesterday when I logged in:

"Happy Ru'mas!"

I gotta say, that made me laugh and made my day at once!

I spent the day with Jukebox going around to various local metaphysical bookstores. I may have found space for my non-ink practice, and that's always a good thing! I want to thank everyone who sent me gifts. They made me so very happy.

Also, HypnoMedia has launched his blog! This is another thing that makes me happy. When you're done here, go there and bookmark. You'll be glad you did.

And in the neatest birthday present of all, I get to widen my horizons with Yet More Travel! I am going up to the Arctic Circle, the furthest west I have ever been, and also going back to some familiar places.

Here's what my travel schedule mostly looks like for the remainder of the calendar year:

• 21-SEP: Leave for Inuvik, Northwest Territories, Canada. During this time, I will still be available for phone appointments. My hours may well change, though, so keep an eye on the appointment calendar! Also, I plan to get some good podcast recording time in, since I'll be in a pretty quiet place.
• 15-17-OCT: New York City for a non-kink hypnosis training! Yep, CHt's have to get training hours to maintain our certifications, but this seminar just plain looks cool: Virtual Gastric Band hypnosis. As a BBW, I wouldn't mind having some of it rub off on me either. (There's another post lurking in that comment somewhere, about D/s and size acceptance and hypnosis. Watch for that.) I would LOVE to get together with the NYC crowd while I'm there! You know who you are!
• 5-7-NOV: Wiseguy and Dani Fantom's wedding. I do not have enough smilies for this!
  
• 2-6-DEC: Charlotte/Raleigh NC for LeatherFet. More details on this as I know them.
  
• Sometime During The Holidays: Raleigh, NC. Available for personal get-togethers, hypnosis by appointment only.

Also, a note that I will be available for phone calls on Labor Day during the afternoon and evening! Bored on the holiday? Relax with me!

Browsing around the web...

...and I bet the people who are friends with me there regret it a bit. ;)

Still, I've already found groups in the Twin Cities to join, and I've found a kink-friendly massage therapist who's going to be getting my business. Why? Because it pays to give back to the community and her rates are beyond reasonable. After my first session with her, I'll post a review.

I also found a plus-size lingerie site I've been browsing around. For those not in the know: I am a fat chick. I am trying to get smaller because of effects on my knees, but I'm emotionally comfortable with myself at this size. (In fact, that's one of the larger problems I've had: I'm comfy enough that I have difficulty convincing myself to change!) This site has some really pretty garments. If I figure out a way to get an address-protected wishlist going there, I'll be posting it. And then people who buy me items can get pics for free, and I'll post them after that for pay to my NF and TS sites.

I'm pondering the script for a breast induction file as well. It would be lovely to be able to get one of those out by Frolicon.