Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Posted by Permission: Isis the Enchantress's "To Losers"

I usually don't crosspost, but I thought this needed to be seen by some who perhaps might otherwise miss it. It's by Isis the Enchantress, and it's located over here. I'm reproducing it in full, with her permission, so that others could read and comment.

Today I saw the umpteenth "mean queen" talking about the ****ing losers that serve her. If you think you're a loser, then maybe she was talking to you.

She was attractive, but she was needy, greedy, bitchy. Ok, I know, that is probably turning you on, and you are wondering who the person is.

Logically one may wonder why you let women like this have your time, your attention, your hard earned money and "respect."

Even if you consider yourself a loser, why wouldn't you want someone to appreciate the things you do for them, instead of expect them, and then proceed to forget it because the next "sucker" has arrived. Why would you only want to be remembered when the person who demands from you seeks to more money and more attention?

Consider what it would be like to have attention that is kind and appreciative. I know it's likely unusual for you, and I know of many who like the idea, but just don't know how it could ever feel as good as being treated like s***.

You know why it feels so good for you?

It's likely somewhere along the lines your mind made an unconscious connection between things that don't necessarily belong together.

It could be a pretty girl who taunted you, and when she did it humiliated you, and because she was so pretty you were turned on at the time so you tied arousal to humiliation by a pretty girl.

You then probably tried to find opportunities to have pretty girls do it to you again. Each time it happened, it reinforced your "need" to be treated in the way that the original girl treated you. Along the way, you may have found new girls added to the mix, so your mind may have latched onto to those things as well.

Maybe you even got into a relationship with a pretty girl who treated you that way, and demanded you spend money on her.

Each thing finds its way into our mind through layers of connections, and they become what we think are "needs." You may have even found yourself paying for the opportunity to be humiliated if no real life opportunities were available.

I don't know too many people who wouldn't prefer to be treated kindly and with respect, however I know way too many who don't know how to find their way out of what they know to cause pleasure.

You don't have to allow people to treat you this way, AND you can find greater pleasure in being treated well and in being appreciated.

Hypnosis is good at so many things, including creating and resolving perceived problems. There is an author who wrote how he believed that all hypnosis was a way to dehypnotize someone from previous hypnosis.

Never been formally hypnotized? It doesn't matter. Anyone who knows how to manipulate others is likely proficient in a form of hypnosis whether s/he realizes it, or not.

Some will tell you that to be the best man you can be it's best to see yourself as insignificant, small, unworthy and at the same time needing to prove yourself in some way worthy of time and attention.

Personally, I don't see how interacting with someone who thinks so little of himself serves me or anyone else. I would say it is in my best interest to have someone who wants to be attentive to me be the best of who he can be - for himself and those around him.

I see too much encouragement from women like the one above to have the men they interact with disregard and disrespect the women in their lives. I know some would say they could never understand it, or do it, but what these people don't realize is how the person affected could even been torn, and still do things potentially hurtful and/or harmful to a relationship.

What is going on is likely to be something that someone affected doesn't understand either, because it comes from the unconscious connections. I realize that some things are choices, and there are some I certainly wouldn't agree with, but when you are doing things compulsively and can't stop, then it might be something to reconsider - especially if there is a part of you that isn't OK or happy about what is going on.

Some people will say "It's just me. It's just how I am." Because your behavior is not who you are, that statement is inaccurate. However since it is a common belief and statement, it is often "accepted."

Most people are much more than they know themselves to be. Many have no idea who and what they are capable of because things get in the way. Something so core to who we are - such as sexuality - can create a big diversion and/or stumbling block.

The thing is, though, deep down we know better. Deep down we seek better. Deep down we know there has got to be a better way, and we choose to listen, or we don't.

When one listens, one also needs to recognize what they have done previously, and it isn't
always easy and can sometimes be painful and there can be guilt, remorse, anger and other things that continuing the behavior continues to cover up.

I can't say a change is going to happen easily or effortlessly, but what I can say is that you need to be kind to yourself in the process. Things happen all of the time, and that includes things we'd rather not experience, however if we come to those situations with the a mindset that allows us to learn and grow from the experience the best things can happen as a result, and they're not often things we'd anticipate.

If you consider yourself a loser, and that is how you want to continue to act, far be
it from me to convince you to do anything any differently.

However, if there is a part of you that thinks that you deserve better (which, personally, I say you do) then it might be worth seeing what can be done to give you the pleasure you desire without wreaking havoc on your life and the relationships that you hold most dear - including the one you have with yourself.

Arguments can be made for anything by anyone at any time. Be careful which ones you buy into. They're not all worthy of your efforts and attention, and likely very few are.

A last thought...

If you are belittled and worn down, what is left of you to give? In the end, I suspect that is at the core of what we as humans want to do...we want to give another a piece of ourselves so that we can feel like we belong and that we are wanted and needed by someone else and if we don't know that we can get attention in a positive, affirming way we'll get it in a destructive one. If you're off self destructing you're not going to see the things that are helpful and supportive and loving - but they are there.

Thank you, Isis, for our generous consent to repost this. I have a couple of additional thoughts.

First of all, I didn't understand humiliation at all until last year. At that point, someone who did enjoy it was able to explain it to me. (Thank you, sweetie, you know who you are!) And what I got out of it is: BDSM is a way to experience the human condition in ways we might not normally be able to do so, in a safe space. Humiliation is part of the human condition, and is therefore one of the things that some people choose to explore in that safe space. And I'm very OK with that, although it doesn't turn me on at all and isn't a part of my play.

The most important thing, though, is that my Chosen, my pets, my friends, and my clients are very much winners to me. They're out there having fun, enjoying their sexuality in ways that feel good to them. I am happy to be able to join them, and I am proud of my kink. I understand needing to be closeted, though I deplore the reasons, but that doesn't make anyone who needs to be a loser. Nor does paying for my services, for goodness' sake.

None of the people around me are ever going to be losers. No, my clients, friends and loved ones - WE win!


  1. Thanks for sharing what I wrote.

    Given what you said about humiliation,
    I wanted to comment on your comment.

    I will be writing another blog post
    at some point in some part a
    response to what you have said.

    It may sound like I don't believe
    in humiliation, and that people
    shouldn't be interested, either.

    However, my intention is to stay
    away from making those kind of
    broad sweeping judgments.

    What I was attempting to convey
    is that if something isn't working
    for someone, then it might be
    something worth reconsideration.

    In addition, there would seem to me
    to be a difference between someone
    who explores the idea (or any idea)
    in what s/he considers a safe space
    with a safe person and being used
    and abused in any way by someone
    who couldn't care less about the person
    that s/he is taking advantage of.

    And while I may personally have questions
    about it, and take issue with it (especially
    when I see people hurt or hurting), I still
    believe in the right that someone has to
    make choices for themselves. If, however,
    those choices demean, diminish, and/or in
    some way deny the person of themselves
    and leaves them in an uncomfortable and/or
    personally unworkable and yet persistent
    place, it might be helpful that someone
    would say something that can help them
    to consider other choices, and then have
    a way to act upon them should that be
    what is desired.

    There is a difference in an action taken
    and the assignment of a label that may
    come as a result. All too often things
    that are best kept separate are collapsed
    and many times can be to the unfortunate
    detriment of those nearby.

    Exploring humiliation is one thing,
    considering oneself a loser, another,
    even if there are times that the two
    may seem to go hand-in-hand.

    Any which way it goes, conversations
    like these - in my opinion - are always
    a good thing.

    All the best to you. :)

  2. We are completely in agreement, Isis, and I'm sorry that didn't come across in my additional thoughts. What I was trying (apparently unsuccessfully) to convey is that I am very OK with humiliation play, although since it does nothing for me I don't indulge in it. Most importantly, though, I wanted to make it clear to anyone reading that I don't consider anyone engaging in consensual play of any kind to be a loser, and that I disagree with Dominants who make comments like the one made by the mean queen you mentioned.

    Thanks for commenting! I hope it's clearer now.