Sunday, May 29, 2011

Fallow Times Happen...

It feels like I'm waiting on a lot right now. Waiting on holding some of my Chosen again. Waiting to find the words to describe NEEHU2's Saturday, Sunday, and Monday... especially the collaring ceremony. Waiting on my Dommespace.

Domme/sub energy is like all energy: It ebbs and flows and swirls. Sometimes it's so powerfully strong that it feels like primal fire. Sometimes it's so far receded that the rocky and sandy bottoms of life are painfully visible.

At NEEHU2 I could feel it so very powerfully, and since then the tide has mostly been in. This week and weekend I see the seabed grasses, despite the waters being wind-whipped into froth.

It is almost Dark Moon, and I feel the urge to curl into myself. I have never been one who finds true power in darkness. I find it in light and illumination and revelation. And so I curl into myself, and I wait for the words to flow again.

They will. Ebb and flow and swirl and change itself is the one constant. I silence myself and wait for their return.

Monday, May 16, 2011

**grin** About some incongruities with that last post...

Saturday, I had a migraine. But I really, really wanted to get the next NEEHU blog up... so I told Jukebox "You're going to take dictation for me, pet."

And I rested on the bed with my eyes closed and dictated the blog entry to him. It was fun, it was useful, and we might do it again soon... but he DOES capitalize me reflexively. So if you were wondering where all the "My" and "Me" and "Mine" came from, well, it's because of him.

Hee. So cute.

Next NEEHU installment tomorrow!

Sunday, May 15, 2011

NEEHU Thoughts and Memories, Part Two

Once again, a reminder that these are memories and impressions that may not seem to make sense to people used to following things as a blow-by-blow description, but they're My thoughts and memories and this feels right.

Friday morning, waking between my loves, asking Copper, "Did you sleep?" and being relieved to hear him say, "Yes." He does not always sleep easily in strange places. Didn't ask Jukebox that--I knew the answer. Hearing the sounds of Glacilux and Lyinar going out of the room to get breakfast, and I know it's time for me to get my shower. But the Mythbusters couldn't drag Me out of bed between My consorts with a C4 explosion.

Eventually, we all have to get up and get ready to go to the con hotel. I am the last one out of bed. The shower feels wonderful. Lyinar does not feel so happy, as he realizes that he is the "shuttle" taking us between hotels (after driving sixteen hours the previous day.) Copper and Lyinar and I are the first to go over, and we check in. Copper and I go up to a room that can only be described as "sumptuous". After a moment of wandering around, exclaiming, I realize that this might be My last time alone with him all weekend. I have never been good at resisting temptation, and at this moment I throw Myself into it headfirst. Funny, those moans didn't sound like they were complaints.

Others arrive, and it is time to pick up Twinklie at the airport. Lyinar, Sleepykitten and I make the drive. She is travel-stressed and ravenous; the first duty of a Dominant is to ensure the well-being of a submissive. We take care of her hunger, and immediately her mood perks up.

Back at the hotel room, I try on various wonderful lingerie, gifts from My Wish List and from pets and admirers. Jukebox once again falls victim to My hypnotic breasts. Oh darn. Funny, those sighs didn't sound like complaints. (Mental note: Must remember to get more lingerie that shows My breasts. I am more used to boy-shorts than g-strings and I think that I will go back to them in the future, but some of the lingerie was really nice. It felt good on My skin.) I feel Myself sliding more and more into Dommespace, and it feels wonderful.

I know I'm forgetting things from in here, but My memories are all sense, and so I find it hard to explain the swirling dance of sense-memories that I experience when I try to put it into words. There is Lyinar, finally getting to rest his swollen legs after obeying Me so well, shuttling people from one hotel to the other. There is Reth expounding on the glories of techno music (yet again.) There is Glacilux moving around the kitchen with glorious surety, not My pet but a treasured friend. There is Twinklie shedding the travel-weariness and being admired by every eye. There is Sleepykitten being petted. There are cheesy forensic shows on the television. There is the touch of Copper, and of Sleepyhead, and up close as I hug them, the unique, familiar and intoxicating sense of My loves. There is Jukebox, typing on the computer as always, because he can no more stop writing than stop breathing, even if it is only to comment on a blog post somewhere. And all of this is mixing, combining, rich and full and full of life.

And then it is time to go to the Society. We go downstairs and Sleepyhead and I get a ride with a kind gentleman and his lady (who I soon find that I have known for years on the MC Forums.) Along the way, I call Wiseguy and find that he and Dani are there, having dinner with a mutual dear friend and will be at the Society as soon as they can. The Society is a wonderful place, and if you are in New England, I urge you to take advantage of its hospitality. It is clean, appropriately lit, and comfortable. If I was in Connecticut, I would have immediately bought a membership. As it is, I am considering ways to support them long-distance, because a place such as the Society is a community treasure.

After signing in, I find Myself already giving hugs. Before long, it becomes clear to Me that this really is like a party with one hundred of My favorite people in the world. At My wedding in "real life", I did not have as many people that I was genuinely and thoroughly happy to see. Old friends, and those I had never previously met, were everywhere. I hypnotized Sleepykitten and sent her to enjoy her role as a hypnotized servant girl. One of the delights of the evening is whispering, "Deeper and deeper," to her every time I see her and watching her trance deeper. In her kitty ears and her play collar, she looks adorable. (We need to find her an appropriate tail.)

And then Vassal is there, and I hug him and run My fingers through his curls, so happy to see him. He also will be staying with us. If the room at the hotel was a sensationary swirl, this is a tidal wave. Electric candles, chocolate on every table, delicious food, laughter and conversation, colors, and the warmth of camaraderie and hugs, skin and fabric. I introduce the stage show, and I expect to go up on stage...but there are so many good subjects to go up that instead I watch. Copper is by My side and I wonder how he is doing, as in North MOFN, there are never this many people in one place, and no more than ten times this many people in the entire town.

The stage show is funny and respectful. I know almost everyone on stage, and I delight in their creativity and hypnotizability. Then the "Hypnosis Slam" starts, when people can just get up in front of the crowd and show off their abilities as either a subject or a hypnotist. I am quickly tranced by Wiseguy, turned around and given a post-hypnotic to hug a beautiful (and willing) friend and that I will be stuck to her. Oh darn. Funny, those giggles don't sound like complaints from Me. As it happens, because I am short, I am at exactly the right height to appreciate her corset. Did I mention "Oh darn"?

It is going to be an early morning, and a long day the next day. I go back to the hotel earlier than I would have liked, but bloodshot eyes are less hypnotic than well-rested ones. Once again, I drift to sleep between My loves, in bliss.

Saturday, May 14, 2011

NEEHU Thoughts and Memories

As I've said in this blog before, my being kinesthetic means I experience memory as flashes of visuals and audio, combined with bodily sensations. As a result, this post is going to be a lot like that. A simple chronological summary of this event would be so cold... And the event was warm, warm and enveloping.

Thursday: up so early, snuggled up with Jukebox and Sleepykitten waiting for the plane. A short hop to Milwaukee, then a longer one on a smaller plane to Hartford. Strong winds on landing, but everything is smooth.

Heading to the Econolodge, amazed at the size of the room. Curling up next to the warmth of Jukebox's loving embrace, whispering him to sleep and then letting the rhythm of his breath lull me. Waking soon after, knitting, exchanging messages with those arriving.

And then Copper is there, tall, so real, and strong arms wrapping around me. Too much is never enough when we see each other so rarely. And Lyinar and Reth and Sleepyhead and Glacilux... Mad harmonious swirl of light and voices and laughing and hugs.

There is Chinese food, and there is hanging out. The senses are overwhelmed with people comparing phones, with the shower running as travel grunge-feeling is washed away. And there is a surpringly early one am bedtime, as the exhaustion of everyone's trips sinks in. We all are worried we will not sleep. All of us do.

I am between my Consorts. I listen to Jukebox's familiar gentle snores. I pet Copper's long (by my Will), soft hair. There is warmth and peace as I so-quietly entrance him to sleep. Soon after, soothed and lulled by their breathing, feeling quiet joy, I follow.

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

30 Days of Kink: Favorite Toy

Ha, you thought I'd forgotten about this, didn't you? Nope. :)

My favorite toy is my metronome. Mind you, each of my Chosen has given me a pocket watch as a gift, and I love sparkly balls and watches and crystals and yummy things.

But the metronome is so useful. It can be used as a visual focus ("look at the stylus as it swings back and forth" - kind of like a pocket watch upside-down). It can be used as a tactile stimulus ("how easy it is to imagine that with each tick of the metronome, you feel a gentle tap on your shoulder that reminds you to go deeper"). And, of course, it is the default hypnotic sound out there.

I adore my metronome. When I do videos, it will be a featured part of the soundscape.

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

NEEHU2 post about half done...

...there'd be more if it weren't for my new day job. :) So, instead, I'm going to mention that there will be a NEEHU3. Today the first email from the incredible mephki went out to the planning committee. I'll be announcing dates as soon as they're finalized, although I do know when we're tentatively planning it. I also know we're seeking to use the same venue and hotel, and working on fixing transportation issues that might have made this year more challenging than some would have liked! These things have already come up as definite topics to be handled soon.

Keep watching this space!

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

May is Inappropriate Behavior Awareness Month

...so I'll be posting on that topic on and off for a bit. In the meantime, I have permission to post this. This is a writing on Fetlife from a woman known as Mamacat, Who Knows Whereof She Speaks. Listen in, because the woman has smarts.

Following a general trend I am observing on Fetlife, I hereby declare May to be "Inappropriate Behavior Awareness Month." Lets make this official, shall we? :)
Here's the official event:
I know some of you are cringing at all this sharing and naming of names. I'm sorry that this process is so upsetting for you, but please understand that this is actually a very positive and healing thing. I come to this from the perspective of a PTSD trauma survivor (childhood abuse by mother, 12 year old molestation by stepfather, 3 more rapes since then) as well as a Trauma Therapist in training. Please check your assumptions and biases at the door, pour yourself a cup of tea and really listen to what I have to say and then lets have a healthy respectful dialogue about these issues, no more howling across the intertubes, please.
Rape culture breeds on silence. Child abuse breeds on silence. The abusers of the world try to silence their victims, try to shame their victims, in order to keep their victims powerless. When we speak up about behavior that is not OK, we are empowering ourselves, we are taking this to a community level where we can all help not only the victim but the person who is being inappropriate.
There is a world of difference between inappropriate touching at a munch and actual rape, but they sometimes stem from the same place of confusion and entitlement on the part of the one doing the unwelcome touching. No one is entitled to another person's body. We can choose when and how we want to share our bodies with each other, but no one has the right to touch us in any way we don't want to be touched. Now, some people have brain stuff that makes them miss things that just seem wildly obvious to the rest of us, Asperger's and Autism spectrum disorders can make this challenging, as well as having had parents with lousy boundaries whose behavior you modeled. I personally had a long hard road to learning healthy boundaries thanks to my crazy bipolar Mommy and what she taught me about human interaction.
None of that excuses inappropriate behavior, especially when there is a long history of it where people have told the person to stop, have pointed it out, and the behavior has continued. But ultimately, lets focus on the goal here: Getting the person to stop making other people uncomfortable. I truly recommend therapy. I think DBT (Dialectical Behavioral Therapy) is probably the way to go, but hey, call a few therapists, be brutally honest about why you need therapy and let them give your their professional opinions.
Actual cases of rape are trickier. I absolutely believe that a rapist can get the right therapy (I think DBT would probably be helpful) and learn how very awful and wrong what they did was and change their way of thinking so that they do not rape any more. I think it's possible but you know what? I personally, due to my history, would probably not want to trust myself or anyone I care about alone with someone that I know for a fact has raped in the past. I would never let someone who had raped in the past be in the same room with my daughter, babysit for her, etc. I do think that our greatest chances of success in stopping someone from raping again is in making sure that they get therapy; when we focus merely on the punitive aspects of crime rather than the rehabilitation aspects, then criminals remain criminals and continue to do harm rather than finding a way to be productive members of society. Sure, the angry rape survivor part of me has "off with their balls" moments, that's a normal response. But ultimately, what I am most concerned with is seeing that people who do harm be given the support and encouragement they need to stop doing harm.
That might not be a popular opinion in all this. I completely understand that victims of rape or even inappropriate touch are often just angry, and that's completely understandable. If you are angry and feel helpless and want the touch to stop, if you have already talked to the toucher multiple times and he/she (yes, women do this too!) is still doing this to you, to other people, then follow the trend, write a post, talk to mutual friends in person, go get help. And then let the rest of us deal with it, lets us try to stop what's going on.
Now, here's the next bit: Speak up to the person who touched you before posting to the internet. If you do not speak clearly to tell someone to stop, then some people really won't know that they crossed your boundaries. Even if it seems obvious to you, some people have some thick skulls on this sort of thing, so speak to the person very clearly, try not to snarl, try to speak calmly and rationally, "What you did is not OK. Here is exactly what you did that made me uncomfortable, here is why it made me uncomfortable, please stop." In most of the cases I've seen of late, people have spoken the touchers and the behavior has not stopped. But I include this just to make sure it's covered because sometimes people do have a hard time saying "no" clearly, this can be especially hard for some submissives. No, you should not have to make an issue of it, yes, people should just ask first rather than putting their hands all over you. But unfortunately, some people have some broken brain code in this area, and if you want them to stop, your first step is to tell them explicitly and clearly what behavior you need them to stop.
And do speak to the person even if they are popular and beloved in the community. Scene Queens and Kings are not infallible, we can make mistakes like this, too. I know that I am a very physically affectionate person. I try to ask if people want hugs before giving them, but it's possible I've given unwanted hugs, touched people's hair or arm or shoulder without checking at times, if that ever happens with me, tell me! I had a moment of utter rude stupidity at a play party a couple months ago, where I was flirting with someone and asked her to play before I'd even asked her name. facepalm That was rude, that was objectifying her in a bad way, and you know what? She called me on it, right then and there, gracefully and with humor, and I turned red and apologized right away, because she was right.

We have an opportunity for healing and empowerment and education here, everyone. Please... lets make the most of this and move forward to a place of deeper respect for each other, deeper respect for each others needs and boundaries.
The fact is, all of us have the potential to act in this way. Later this month, I'm going to own some of my own behavior. For now, if you would crosspost this to your own blog with attribution to Mamacat at Fetlife, I would appreciate it greatly!