New Podcast is Up! Sex Robot!

In which I talk about the making of Sex Robot and talk about community events a bit. :)

I have another podcast about 3/4 edited!

Still trying to get the video of just my part of the documentary edited. Stay tuned!

The Holidays are Coming!

I went ahead and updated my wishlist for the holidays. Since I've come out as a BBW for reals, now I can put clothes I want on there! And hosiery! (Now I want to do a pantyhose trance really really really a lot. ;) ) So if you want hot pics of me in hose, or babydolls, or whatever... those are on there now!

There's something in just about every price range. So if you want to pamper me... you know where to look!

Posted by Permission: Isis the Enchantress's "To Losers"

I usually don't crosspost, but I thought this needed to be seen by some who perhaps might otherwise miss it. It's by Isis the Enchantress, and it's located over here. I'm reproducing it in full, with her permission, so that others could read and comment.

Today I saw the umpteenth "mean queen" talking about the ****ing losers that serve her. If you think you're a loser, then maybe she was talking to you.

She was attractive, but she was needy, greedy, bitchy. Ok, I know, that is probably turning you on, and you are wondering who the person is.

Logically one may wonder why you let women like this have your time, your attention, your hard earned money and "respect."

Even if you consider yourself a loser, why wouldn't you want someone to appreciate the things you do for them, instead of expect them, and then proceed to forget it because the next "sucker" has arrived. Why would you only want to be remembered when the person who demands from you seeks to more money and more attention?

Consider what it would be like to have attention that is kind and appreciative. I know it's likely unusual for you, and I know of many who like the idea, but just don't know how it could ever feel as good as being treated like s***.

You know why it feels so good for you?

It's likely somewhere along the lines your mind made an unconscious connection between things that don't necessarily belong together.

It could be a pretty girl who taunted you, and when she did it humiliated you, and because she was so pretty you were turned on at the time so you tied arousal to humiliation by a pretty girl.

You then probably tried to find opportunities to have pretty girls do it to you again. Each time it happened, it reinforced your "need" to be treated in the way that the original girl treated you. Along the way, you may have found new girls added to the mix, so your mind may have latched onto to those things as well.

Maybe you even got into a relationship with a pretty girl who treated you that way, and demanded you spend money on her.

Each thing finds its way into our mind through layers of connections, and they become what we think are "needs." You may have even found yourself paying for the opportunity to be humiliated if no real life opportunities were available.

I don't know too many people who wouldn't prefer to be treated kindly and with respect, however I know way too many who don't know how to find their way out of what they know to cause pleasure.

You don't have to allow people to treat you this way, AND you can find greater pleasure in being treated well and in being appreciated.

Hypnosis is good at so many things, including creating and resolving perceived problems. There is an author who wrote how he believed that all hypnosis was a way to dehypnotize someone from previous hypnosis.

Never been formally hypnotized? It doesn't matter. Anyone who knows how to manipulate others is likely proficient in a form of hypnosis whether s/he realizes it, or not.

Some will tell you that to be the best man you can be it's best to see yourself as insignificant, small, unworthy and at the same time needing to prove yourself in some way worthy of time and attention.

Personally, I don't see how interacting with someone who thinks so little of himself serves me or anyone else. I would say it is in my best interest to have someone who wants to be attentive to me be the best of who he can be - for himself and those around him.

I see too much encouragement from women like the one above to have the men they interact with disregard and disrespect the women in their lives. I know some would say they could never understand it, or do it, but what these people don't realize is how the person affected could even been torn, and still do things potentially hurtful and/or harmful to a relationship.

What is going on is likely to be something that someone affected doesn't understand either, because it comes from the unconscious connections. I realize that some things are choices, and there are some I certainly wouldn't agree with, but when you are doing things compulsively and can't stop, then it might be something to reconsider - especially if there is a part of you that isn't OK or happy about what is going on.

Some people will say "It's just me. It's just how I am." Because your behavior is not who you are, that statement is inaccurate. However since it is a common belief and statement, it is often "accepted."

Most people are much more than they know themselves to be. Many have no idea who and what they are capable of because things get in the way. Something so core to who we are - such as sexuality - can create a big diversion and/or stumbling block.

The thing is, though, deep down we know better. Deep down we seek better. Deep down we know there has got to be a better way, and we choose to listen, or we don't.

When one listens, one also needs to recognize what they have done previously, and it isn't
always easy and can sometimes be painful and there can be guilt, remorse, anger and other things that continuing the behavior continues to cover up.

I can't say a change is going to happen easily or effortlessly, but what I can say is that you need to be kind to yourself in the process. Things happen all of the time, and that includes things we'd rather not experience, however if we come to those situations with the a mindset that allows us to learn and grow from the experience the best things can happen as a result, and they're not often things we'd anticipate.

If you consider yourself a loser, and that is how you want to continue to act, far be
it from me to convince you to do anything any differently.

However, if there is a part of you that thinks that you deserve better (which, personally, I say you do) then it might be worth seeing what can be done to give you the pleasure you desire without wreaking havoc on your life and the relationships that you hold most dear - including the one you have with yourself.

Arguments can be made for anything by anyone at any time. Be careful which ones you buy into. They're not all worthy of your efforts and attention, and likely very few are.

A last thought...

If you are belittled and worn down, what is left of you to give? In the end, I suspect that is at the core of what we as humans want to do...we want to give another a piece of ourselves so that we can feel like we belong and that we are wanted and needed by someone else and if we don't know that we can get attention in a positive, affirming way we'll get it in a destructive one. If you're off self destructing you're not going to see the things that are helpful and supportive and loving - but they are there.

Thank you, Isis, for our generous consent to repost this. I have a couple of additional thoughts.

First of all, I didn't understand humiliation at all until last year. At that point, someone who did enjoy it was able to explain it to me. (Thank you, sweetie, you know who you are!) And what I got out of it is: BDSM is a way to experience the human condition in ways we might not normally be able to do so, in a safe space. Humiliation is part of the human condition, and is therefore one of the things that some people choose to explore in that safe space. And I'm very OK with that, although it doesn't turn me on at all and isn't a part of my play.

The most important thing, though, is that my Chosen, my pets, my friends, and my clients are very much winners to me. They're out there having fun, enjoying their sexuality in ways that feel good to them. I am happy to be able to join them, and I am proud of my kink. I understand needing to be closeted, though I deplore the reasons, but that doesn't make anyone who needs to be a loser. Nor does paying for my services, for goodness' sake.

None of the people around me are ever going to be losers. No, my clients, friends and loved ones - WE win!

Quick "Sex Robot" update!

It's going to be on TV in the US again! Here's the link for the latest listings!

Again, I am VERY happy with how this came out. Please check it out! And a big thanks again to Bri_chan for grabbing the video when it was first on so I could see it while in Canada!

Marie Claire and @MauraKellyBlog Reaction, And A New Resolution

Tomorrow, I'll be reposting Lady Isis's wonderful blog entry "To Losers," with her permission. Today, however, before I could get that post up something happened. It's something that made me reverse a decision I made. Gentle Reader, today I Saw Red, and I'm going to do something about it.

In the past, I've told people I'm a BBW. Most people know this going in when they first meet me. The ones who care rapidly fall away. The ones who don't get to know me better... some very, very well. But when I made the decision to go pro Domme, I was worried that my looks would get in the way of my career. After all, the stereotype is of the slender, tall, on-high-heels Dominatrix built up in the media. I kept telling myself it was a career decision. After all, it's the romance of the thing, right? Surely that's what matters? And I was experiencing a lot of anxiety on that level with the Sex Robot video. I worried about that negatively impacting sales, instead of positively impacting them.

In retrospect, that's when things really started to go downhill with my health, and I think I know why. You see, I am a hypnotist, and what I tell my unconscious mind, it starts to live.

For years, I had been deeply in love with my body. It does such amazing things. Still, like many fat women in this society, I'd internalized the shame that comes along with it. As long as I was active, moving, happy, dancing, having great - no, fantastic - sex, doing yoga, my body loved me back. Knee injuries hampered some things, but overall everything was wonderful. Great cholesterol, blood pressure my skinny sisters would kill for, healthy skin and hair... I had it all. Until I told it that it wasn't good enough for my job.

Suddenly, things started to happen. My blood pressure went up by ten points. My desire for healthy foods tanked. My knees hurt more. You see, when I told my body "people won't like you," it listened. I was telling myself that the shame I'd fought against for years was valid.

I was starting to come to this conclusion already, over the time I'd spent away from home the last month. I think I looked fantastic in the Sex Robot video. I find fat chicks attractive, myself, and one of my first reactions was "Damn, I would totally fuck me!"

Then, today, came the final epiphany. Marie Claire Magazine posted a blog entry from someone talking about "Mike and Molly," the sitcom with two fat characters in love. To be honest, I'd never watched the show. I'm not much for sitcoms... give me Discovery Channel any day... so my reaction was fair-to-negative. "Oh, yay, more making fun of fat people. Just what I need in my life, fat jokes. I'll pass."


But oh, this review was nasty. Warning: fat-phobic trigger language in there, read at your own risk.

Even that half-assed apology doesn't cut it. You see, no one, but no one, gets to tell me that I don't deserve to have so much as physical affection because of a hundred pounds of adipose tissue. No one who finds it "aesthetically displeasing" to watch a fat person *cross the room* gets to tell me that I should exercise more. And yes, I think she is acting like an insensitive jerk.

I have a lot of compassion for the writer's eating disorder history. When I was a teenager, I roomed with a girl with anorexia. She was 5'6" and weighed sixty-five pounds when they finally got her into treatment. I saw the agony my roommate experienced. Given that, I can't and won't say or imply that this writer is a bad person. But I also refuse to give her the power to tell me how my body should look.

And the fact is that I am a fucking Goddess. In the old-school fashion, those ancient Venuses and Maltese temple deities. I love the way my hips sway when they walk. I love my curves and my skin and my hair. I love my sensuality, the way my hair tickles the small of my back, the way carpet feels under my bare feet. I love the soft flowing dresses I wear in Dommespace and the way they puddle to the floor at my ankles as I shed them. I love the way finger and toenail polish flashes as I move.



I love my ass. (Jukebox loves to go up the stairs behind me, especially when I'm naked.) I love Public Displays of Affection, everything from holding hands to deepkisses to stolen gropes. I love my tattoos.



I have not been single since I was seventeen. I have not had fewer than two romantic partners since 1993, except for a brief span in 2003-2004, and even then I had other sexual partners. Fuck yes, I'm sexy. Fuck yes, this fat body can do amazing things!

I love my body's power. I love the focus and care I have for my trance partners, and how deep they go as I ensnare their minds. Make no mistake: I am a hypnoDomme, and I love to wield that mystique and that power and that sexuality. I love making my partners change, gasp, moan, come so hard they can't even speak for an hour. I love gently and thoroughly brainwashing people. I love my voice. I love running my hands over my partners' bodies and feeling them shudder with heat. I love the way my huge, non-perky breasts ache and my thighs get slick when I'm hypnotically Dominating someone.



And, oh yeah, I'm fat. And I'm sexual. And I'm sexy as hell. And I love being both. And from now on, there will be pictures on my site... because I love my body, and it's not getting shortchanged any more.
.
(And, oh yeah, that blood pressure? Back down to 110/70, thank yew very much. And the veggies at dinner tasted delicious.)

Because this needed to be preserved...

I just tweeted:

Happiness is hearing the soft noises your pet in the next room makes asleep. <3 @copperheron recently, @jukeboxemcsa tonight, others too! <3

I mean every word of it, too.

Taking calls right now!

And the CDs are on sale now! Merchant's Daughter (for men and women), Mountain Lake (for men and women), and Museum Heat (for men and women) are all $5 off now! Enjoy the fantasy before the holidays.

Urgh, travel crud

Perhaps it's unsurprising that after traveling so much in the last week and a half, I came up with GI issues. I'm feeling much better today than yesterday, though, so I'm planning on taking calls tonight!

I'm also having a Hallowe'en sale: Merchant's Daughter, Mountain Lake, and Museum Heat will be all be on sale for $5 off starting tonight at 9pm eastern us time! If you've been thinking about any of those, now's a great time to explore the fantasies.

Another, longer post later!

(Not sure where to find the mp3s? Look to your right on this screen!)

Sunday night's NYC class recap

Video editing is a work in progress, so I'm taking a break to write up Sunday night's Roleplay and Hypnosis class in New York City.

Of all of the classes I've taught lately, this one seemed to have the best reception. For one thing, I didn't need to do hypno 101. I love doing that, but it was so refreshing to get to the fun stuff instead of explaining what hypnosis is and how to do a basic induction. Instead, I could talk about specific safety concerns, safewords, and how to set up the scenes. It was fantastic, and there were really good questions asked. Some of this I went through on the podcast a few years back, but it's worth revisiting.

But one thing I didn't do on the podcast that I could do in the class was demo concrete examples of scenes. I was lucky enough to have two demo bottoms, one of whom is a regular of mine and the other of whom I'd never hypnotized before. The former I simply demoed scene setup, not playing out the scene at all. The latter we went a little distance into the scene, to the deep appreciation of the watching audience. Because I'd never worked with her before, I also installed safewords and some other basic safety guidelines. (Since I was staying with her and her significant other, I had the fun later that night of hearing the suggestions for the "yes, more please!" safeword take effect posthypnotically... through the wall. I went to sleep rather joyfully, if not without a giggle. ;) )

Afterwards, a bunch of us went to McDonalds (it being the closest place to hang out and just talk for a while) and talked trance. So much fun! I felt really fantastic.

I had the honor of meeting some fantastic new friends, connecting happily with longerterm ones, and got to talk about my favorite thing to do with hypnosis. What wasn't to love? I can't wait to get back to The City and play some more.

"Sex Robot": Me on TV!

Yes, I was on Discovery Health for the documentary "Sex Robot." I am in the process of editing the video to snip out the parts I filmed so I can post them on my website. I'm learning to use a video editor in order to do it, so the process is slow. I want to be sure to get it right.

(Incidentally, and worth its own paragraph by far: A HUGE thanks to Bri_chan for helping obtain the video! I owe you, sweetie... expect me to pay up. ;) )

This was a terrifying and exhilarating experience. On the one hand, I really wanted to get something on hypnosis for technophiliacs out there. On the other hand... being on TV. Especially on a documentary which, let's face it, was more likely to be a "wow, freaky people!" video than a "isn't this neat?!" show.

I was aware that it could provide great exposure. I am also aware that being a BBW is fine for some people, as long as they aren't confronted with the reality of me actually being big and soft. Nevertheless, I decided that it would be worth it to go on and get on film.

I look slightly different in this video than I might normally at, say, a con. Normally, I wear purple. For this filming, I elected to wear red. It pops more on camera. Don't worry, though... I'm going to keep going with the purple. In fact, within a couple of weeks I am going to dye at least some of my hair purple! I also wore makeup, because I knew better than to go on camera without it. Ah, stagecraft!

I was, of course, a bit nervous about seeing the video. Copper and I watched it together after a few other people had seen it and reassured me that they enjoyed it. To my almost total surprise and joy, I found that nothing I said had been taken out of context. The editor did a great job of getting out one of the most important points I felt I wanted to get across. Furthermore, they showed a lot more of the induction than I thought they would. Even better, the couple in the video very much came across as the loving, committed partners they are.

We were not, of course, the full focus of the program. We knew that. I was completely unsure how much we would be in the film at all. To be in as much as we were, in the way we were, makes me very happy. It's something I'm proud to be putting up on my website.

Where I've been and what I'm doing

As you probably know, I took the last few weeks and went up to see my beloved pet Copper up north of the Arctic Circle. While I was up there, I took a lot of time to think. Some of those thoughts I kept to myself, pondering them over the course of the trip. Others I shared with my Chosen.

Right now as I write this I'm on the subway in New York City. I'm here for a training, getting class hours I need to maintain my certification. (And gods help me, but as I look out the window and see the bridge and the Woolworth building, I *cannot* avoid thinking of Cloverfield. My NYC friends are going to kill me!)

It's been a very harsh few months for me. More than once I've questioned my decision to go full-time. Jukebox losing his job put financial pressure on us that has made it impossible for me to maintain my planned CD schedule. The pressure has also sapped my creative energy.

The last few weeks, however, have brought clarity. Being in a place where the electricity was shaky and I could not take calls made me aware of how much I love doing so. I realized that tranceplay and education is, indeed, what I want to do.

The boundless support of my Chosen and pets has made it possible for me to get through things. I want to publically thank them all, from the bottom of my heart.

I have ideas again. I have plans. And I am so very much looking forward to bringing them to fruition.

The next stop is my stop. Time for me to get off. ;)