Ten Things I've Wanted To Say To Ten Different People

I assigned my pets and Chosen this one... might as well jump in myself!

1. Hell froze over when you apologized. I'm so glad you did. The healing isn't perfect, but it's a damn sight better than it was. Thank you for owning your mistakes. I own mine too: I saw you as idealized, and I kept hoping you would find comfort and peace in us. We were too different. Namaste.
2. A part of me is missing tonight and every night until we are together in physical space again. I worry I am not strong enough to be ethical every time we part. I love you.
3. You have no idea how much I want you... but there's that lesbian sheep thing. I am trying to overcome my paralysis. I love you.
4. I keep thinking someday you're going to grow away from me and leave. I can't tell whether that's common sense or abandonment issues talking! I love you.
5. I love you and your rage scares me. Please get help.
6. You are so strong. Own your strength. I love you.
7. To multiple people: I miss howling together. I miss the Parkway under the full moon. I miss the time when the world was so simple that what happened online seemed to matter. I hope those memories make you happy as they do me. I love you all!
8. I don't even know if you're alive, but you imprinted me and shaped me. I don't know if I feel joy in what we experienced or pity for what followed. 26 years later, a full quarter of a century, and I can still see your eyes and smell your scent. I hope you are well. I fear you aren't.
9. I am utterly and completely shattered on a primal level by your loss. I hope you would be proud of me. I still cry thinking of you. I hope you are resting in peace. I fear that my grief prohibits that. The world is darker and less safe.
10. Please forgive yourself. You are not perfect. You are a good person who has sometimes made less than ideal choices. You are talented and creative no matter what your inner tape recordings tell you. You are worthy of being loved. Please let go of the energy of the memories that make you cry out aloud like a whiplash. Failing that, get yourself beaten so you can do penance and be done, OK? I love you, even when you can't accept it.

**grin** About some incongruities with that last post...

Saturday, I had a migraine. But I really, really wanted to get the next NEEHU blog up... so I told Jukebox "You're going to take dictation for me, pet."

And I rested on the bed with my eyes closed and dictated the blog entry to him. It was fun, it was useful, and we might do it again soon... but he DOES capitalize me reflexively. So if you were wondering where all the "My" and "Me" and "Mine" came from, well, it's because of him.

Hee. So cute.

Next NEEHU installment tomorrow!

Let's Go To Bed: A True Story

Last night I went to bed a bit after Jukebox. He's never been one to have trouble going to sleep, so he was already cozily snuggled up in the blankets. (He's native Minnesotan. I think that's why when I get to bed he always resembles a contented burrito. Disentangling the covers is something I need to do every night, and it never fails to make me giggle.)

As I finally got the blankets to the point I could get under them, he roused enough to purr and snuggle his back up against me. I whispered in his ear, using one of my favorite keyed-to-me triggers for him. "You are deep asleep. This is all a dream." He echoed my words, drowsy and obedient. I knew I had him. Sleep had shifted to trance. Time to play.

I wrapped my arms around him and began to play with his nipples softly. "Strong and submissive. All your strength is turned to serve me." I began to program him, brainwashing him with my words and the heat of the pleasure. "You are a strong man, and I own you. All your strength is turned to serve me. Your deep self serves me blankly and without thinking. It feels so good to serve me."

His toneless repetition of my words began to mix with gasps as his hips rocked. My nipples rubbed against his back, sending warm pulses of heat through me. Far hotter to me, though, was the blankness in his voice. Over and over, I brainwashed him, programmed him, reinforced my control. Some of the commands I gave him are ones I give only to my Chosen. Some were for him alone. When I finally allowed him to come, he whispered over and over "Goddess... Goddess... Goddess..." as he must.

When he was done, he slumped back against me, boneless and limp, the trance deepening even further. I checked in with him: "Tell me something you need me to know."

He responded "I am so blank. I am still coming." The shakiness of his voice and the whimper told me that yes, my beloved Chosen's orgasm hadn't finished, no matter what his body said.

I took his hand and placed it on my breast. As he has been trained, he began to caress. The rest of his body remained immobile. "What's happening to you, pet?" I whispered.

The shakiness was gone. "I am blank and deep and i am going deeper i am hypnotized and made blank by your beautiful breasts there is only going deeper..." Monotone, hypnotized, each word simply coming from his lips without thought.

I allowed him to continue to caress my breast as I brought myself to orgasm, listening to him speak, programming him deeper. As he must, when I came he came. Every time. Until our bodies were both relaxed, melded together, in love, perfect.

We fell asleep that way, his mind as asleep as it was when I got into bed, the covers now wound around both of us. As it should be.

My Jukebox's birthday

Yesterday was Jukebox's birthday.

It's so hard to grasp that, despite being together in one form or another for the best part of a decade, this is the first time we've ever been together on his birthday. Then again, he was at GenCon for quite a few of them, and we weren't even in the same state for the vast majority.

This week on the EMCSA his story is "Enter Sandman," which is in my top three favorite pieces he's ever written. (I like the others more only because I cherish the memories that inspired them so much it feels like a betrayal to put them lower on the list.) It's an incredible piece of writing - funny, sexy, and amazingly complex. It can also be found in the collection Past, Present, and Future on Lulu.com in both paperback and ebook form. You have to read this one to believe it.

Naturally, he got a new hypnotic mantra for his birthday. It's one I've been pondering for a while, but the look on his face when he began to chant it makes me glad I kept it back for his birthday...

He's still looking for work, folks. Buy a $5 download and give him a late birthday present. Seriously, he's earned it. And that's not the biased Domme talking.

Dialogue (fiction)

The woman wound her way between the standing stones. The hem of her dress was ragged and blew around her ankles in the autumn breeze. Her hair looked like it hadn't been combed today, though there was still beauty in its wildness. The stones themselves were overgrown with moss, vines beginning to twine up the solid grey. Here and there she paused to pull a brown weed, murmuring an apology. The action was halfhearted, slow, but the expressed regrets were real. As she entered the center of the circle, she brushed a lock of purple hair back and looked around her with a sigh.

And stopped. "I should have known I'd find you here," she whispered, then spoke with more assurance. "Welcome, Lady. Forgive the condition of the temple. I... haven't been here as much to take care of it."

The other woman brushed a sun-browned hand over the surface of the altar, sprinkling dried flower petals onto the ground. Copper-colored hair shifted enticingly around her shoulders as she nodded without a trace of anger in her green eyes. "I'd noticed, but I'm not offended. I knew what you were doing."

"Yes," sighed the first. "Of course you did. You always do." She took another step forward into the circle. "What brings you here, Goddess?"

Blonde, short-cut hair blew in the breeze as the woman by the altar answered, the tilt of her head exposing a long, slender, kissable neck. "Because I knew you'd be here. And I wanted to hear you out. You're very angry at me right now."

That brought the purple-haired one up short. She opened her mouth, closed it, and looked down. "I'm not entirely sure I even believe in you any more," she finally said. "It's not personal. It's just how it is."

Mahogany eyes crinkled at the corners with suppressed laughter. "Come on, child. Even you know better than that. You've always known I was there. And you know better than to think I'd believe you. From the moment I first came to this circle and met you here, you've known you were mine. Being away from the temple you built with your own heart doesn't change that."

Humiliated, the first woman looked away from the searching gaze of the black woman standing by the altar. "I remember. You never look the same way twice, but I always know it's you. Every time. So you're right, that's not it."

One short, sharp nod. "So what is it then?" Gently asked, but not to be dismissed, the question hung in the air.

"It's just... I keep questioning these days. I don't know if I'm the right one to serve you. Not this way. Not this life. It gets harder all the time, Lady, and every time lately I think I have it figured out something else happens. It would be so easy if I could just scream out what I'm thinking, but that's something that I know better than to do."

"Oh. I see. You don't want to take this role now because you're not perfect?" The purple-haired woman looked up to behold the silver-haired, sun-worn queen holding her scepter. She was as beautiful as the Lady always appeared, but there was a blankness in the blue eyes that gave no hint of the emotion behind the question.

"You would put it that way, wouldn't you? I prefer to say that I'm wondering if I have my shit together enough to do what you want me to do. I have to: it's my responsibility. And yet I keep getting thrown off course."

"But you believe in me. Even if you don't believe in me as a force, you believe in what I am." That wasn't a question at all.

"Yes..." She drew out the sigh and took a few more steps closer to the altar. "I believe in what you are. How can I not? When I look in the eyes, hear the voices of the ones who are still with me, how could I deny that? I don't even know how to tell them what they are to me. I just want them to know, to intuit it. But that's not fair to them. So I try to show them, but I'm poor at that, I think."

"Let them be the judges of that. And remember, I didn't ask you to take care of everyone in the world." The Lady beckoned. "Come closer, child. I won't strike you down."

With those words, the purple-haired woman closed the space between them and knelt at her Lady's feet. "I wish you could understand, Goddess... it's nothing one like you would ever have to experience. You never doubted yourself."

Raven locks swept the grass as the Lady shook her head. "Of course I did. That's half the bad press I got in mythology, you know. But you miss the point. I didn't choose you because I was looking for perfection."

"Why did you choose me, then, Lady? If it wasn't to improve myself for you, do everything you asked?"

Warm, callused hands cradled the purple-haired woman's chin. "I chose you because you have the power to be strong, and the strength to admit it when you're wrong if you need to. This role isn't for everyone. It's not even for most strong women." She paused. "You can improve yourself, but the fact is that you will always be human. And that means having a softness to you. For all your love of turtles, you can't always hide in your shell when times are hard. You know that."

A glance down, a flush. "I was in my shell, wasn't I?"

The only answer was a simple nod.

"Fair enough, Lady... I will do as you ask. I will serve this role. But tell the universe to ease up a bit?"

"It's hard to feel the strength within when your body hurts, when the hormones surge and fall, when you are finally realizing what people are telling you when they tell you who they are. Even if that's not who you so very much wanted them to be. Release that, child, and grieve your dreams... but don't grieve long. You have too many other dreams to bring to reality." The Lady kissed the purple-haired woman on the forehead and faded into mist on the autumn breeze.

The woman knelt for a long time, staring at the violets blooming on the ground by the altar, a little cluster of blossoms everywhere the Lady had stepped. Finally, she tossed back her hair and looked around.

"Well," she said to the waiting stones. "It looks like I have work to do."

Where did I learn hypnosis?

This is one of the most common questions I get when I meet people. I get it so often I'm going to answer it and then make a permalink to the post!

Most of my early learning was reading books in high school and trial and error. I did more progressive relaxations than I care to remember. (I almost never use them these days, but I did learn how to do a good one.) I recorded self-hypnosis inductions, I hypnotized my friends, I figured out a couple of times that it helps to ASK them first, if you want to keep them as friends...

When I got to college, I devoured every book in the library. On my trip back to my old alma mater this spring, I stopped by the library with Copper and we went and found the best book I read, the one that gave me the tools and techniques I now use. Please note there are tons and tons of fantastic books out there, but this is the one that rang the most bells for me and made me able to move past progressives and into more useful inductions.

That book is William E. Edmonston Jr.'s The Induction of Hypnosis. It is out of print, but in case people want to try and find it online the indicia information is as follows:

Wiley Series on Personality Processes
Copyright 1986 by John Wiley and Sons, Inc
ISBN 0-471-83112-3

This is not a hypnosis 101 light read, but neither is it as dense as many books on NLP. It is a book intended for academia and it shows. It was also the best book I could have picked up, since it is focused on just that: inductions. It is a history book, but it deals more with how people get into the state than many books. Since it deals with trance across time, it shows that people are capable of hypnotizing themselves with methods that have nothing to do with relaxing each and every body part in turn. And, of course, it has a chapter on Milton Erickson.

What I shoulda done. :)

I should have taken a week off to regenerate my energy levels and get my head on straight. I didn't, of course, because I'm me. Heh.

I'm still lining up all my ducks. Please check the appointment calendar for open slots, but here is what my next few weeks looks like:

April 1-4: Frolicon - Atlanta, GA. Lots of hypno play and classes going on.
April 16-24: Spotty availability due to move. I will be on here and there, but no promises as to when. Please check!
April 30-May 3: Private function, Vancouver, BC.
Late May: Possible trip to Austin, TX.
June 2: Presenting in Minneapolis at The Lab.
First weekend in June: Wedding in Minneapolis.
June second weekend: Boston, Hypnosis UnConference. More details coming on this - I'm very, very excited!

In addition to this, I'll be wrapping up work on some CDs, recording more, podcasting, and working on my book. So yeah, I shoulda taken some time off. But I didn't yet, and I won't. Just bear with me as I get this show on the road!

A break from the con posts for a Real Life announcement!

Things are moving along on the personal front. It's looking like I'm moving to Minneapolis/St. Paul in late April, and in preparation for that I am quitting the old "day job" March 15 to go fulltime pro hypnoDomme and speaker. I have reached the point where I can do a day job or trance but not both, and given that I am burned out on my old job... hypnosis wins.

Every person who comes to hypnosis and hypnotherapy wanting to do it as a career comes to this point. I really had planned for it to happen long ago, but real life intervened. However, I know that everyone who goes pro fulltime does it as a job as well, and so I'm really only changing career paths.

I am in the process of updating the appointments calendar to indicate appointment blocks during the day, starting March 16. I am excited to be able to do this! However, there are some caveats:

I really want to get back into writing. I have two partially-finished books that need my attention. I could not give them that attention while working the day job. Now I can. But I need to set aside time to do that. Thus, there will be times each day labelled "NOT AVAILABLE-WRITING." If this is the ONLY time during the day you will be available to make a call to me, let me know well in advance. We might be able to work something out.

I also need to script and record, both CD/mp3s and the podcast. The podcast will go back to being at least a weekly affair, with the EMCSA update once a week and other topics every other week or more. To that end, there will be recording blocks scheduled at least once or twice a week. These will vary in length and time of day.

The good news is that this means I can be up a lot later. I am naturally nocturnal, and I really do believe that many of the health problems I've had the past few years are the result of forcing my body onto a "normal 8-5" schedule without regard to what it does best. My most productive hours are between 9pm and midnight, when it comes to writing, inspiration, and personal care. I do very well up to 2am. Having to be in bed at 11pm and up at 5am has just devastated me healthwise. I feel confident that with a shifted sleep schedule things will be much better for me - and that's taking the stress of becoming fully self-employed into account.

So: Everyone wins. I get my health and what passes for my sanity back. You get increased hours, more blog posts, more cds and podcasts and speaking engagements and you even get books and short stories!

But I can't do this without your support. Remember that the next year will stand or fall on your help: reviews in hypno-related forums, calling my lines, buying my cds/mps/books when available, posting to mailing lists (please not obnoxiously!), bringing me to your events to speak and play.

We're counting on each other here. My last few years have, quite frankly, sucked. But 2010 is starting off unbelievably. Let's make it the best year of the last five!

New Jukebox anthology out!

Because I love my pets, and I know people might enjoy this, I thought I'd let you know that Jukebox's latest anthology is out! It's called Past, Present and Future, and by simply clicking that link you can find out more about it - including a full list of the stories within.

All obligatory plugs aside, I have to say some of my very favorite stories are in this volume. I love "Soft and Wet," I deeply enjoyed "Just Can't Get Enough," "Suicide Blonde" made me sniffle, and "God Save The Queen" gave me shivers. But it also includes "Enter Sandman," which remains hands down one of the most inspired pieces of MC fiction I've ever read.

It's available in dead tree and electronic formats. The cover is by Sue-Chan. It's Jukebox. What more needs to be said?

Joy To The World!

Really. I mean it. "Joy To The World," the latest post from my keyboard and Jukebox's, is up on Blisstrance! This marks the first of a few little gifts I'll be posting for all of you, as thanks for your support in a year that really had more than its share of stress and strain. I appreciate you!

Tags: MC, MF, FD, Freeze

Happy things!

Recording of the next three tracks is finished! "Lady Ru'etha's Voice," "Chakra Capture for Men," and "Chakra Capture for Women" have the rough recordings done. It was slightly delayed by a thunderstorm coming through while I was recording. "Voice" is a long file, and we had to pause for thunder periodically. Then the rain got too loud and we needed to stop for the night. But last night, we got everything done.

I'm taking a two or three day break from scripting, and then going back to Vampire and Foot Fantasy and 1.03 Skins. So far, this particuar vampire script is looking like it'll be almost steampunky. I know I'm going to end up doing a whole vampire line, though, because the genre is so very flexible.

Speaking of, some of the lines are starting to take shape in my brain. Of course I've got the Robot Line, and the line I'm starting to call TransFurMation (at least in my head), and the Fantasy line, and the By Her Command line. I think the Fantasy line is going to have some offshoots, like the Vampire line and the Cast a Spell line and the Sleepy. There's also going to be the Foot line, I think. Kind of mulling this all over in my head still... what do you think? What am I forgetting?

Today Jukebox and I agreed that we want to work on another story together. This one is for this month's MC Forum contest, "The Story of Our Lives." The problem with doing this contest is that J has already put so much autobiographically-inspired stuff in his stories, it's hard to come up with a memorable and not-TOO-personal story. (I'll have to work on giving him more memories to work from.) I think we've come up with which experience to use, but it'll end up highly fictionalized. Probably. Or maybe not...

Apologies for the delay!

The medical situation turned out to be even more challenging than I thought. It's consumed the majority of my energy since 24-MAR. However, I do have to announce the following changes to the website:

1. "The Gift," an original short story, is now up on the Stories page.

2. The Virtual Hypnotist preset packs for "Robotic Transformation," "KittenFur," and "Mountain Lake for Men" are now up on the free stuff page. Grab the desired VHpack file, grab info.zip (which tells you how to install), and have fun! Don't have VH yet? Go here!

Hang in there. I'll be back as soon as I can.

Busybusybusy!

Tonight so far, I have:

Gone to an hour and a half long yoga class;
Uploaded the latest podcast;
Worked on the webpage;
Set up NF appointments for Tuesday and Wednesday (I still have Thursday free, and each night this week after 10:30 pm eastern);
Worked on some scripting;
Had a really yummy shower;

And helped Copper realize how brainwashed he is.


I think we can call tonight in general a win.

Genderfluidity

I have a headache today, and nowhere really good to trance it away. In spite of that, chapter two of my book is done. I even got a little more scripting in. Go me!

I spent some time with Lyinar/Kitty last night. L/K is my genderfluid pet; I'm never quite sure how zie will express zirself energy-wise at any given time. Last night was really confusing, as I got a lot of both with rapid changing around. Sometimes I know I was talking to a boy. Ten seconds later I was equally certain I was talking to a girl. It made getting the right pronoun a bit of a challenge, and sometimes I just gave up and went with the equivalent of "hey you." Zie doesn't mind, so I'm not going to worry about it!

Working on my book...

It's nonfiction, so of course it's going slowly. I am making progress, though!

In the meantime, here's a piece of flash fiction. Because I feel like it, that's why. :)

*****

She held the rope taut in her hands, right in front of his eyes. "Bound."

His gaze went straight through the rope, unfocused. "Bound," he whispered. Dazed, dreaming, deep.

She looped a knot through the length, swaying the rope back and forth in his field of vision. "Bound and blank."

He repeated her words in the same soft voice, eyes moving just enough to follow the knot. His eyelids lowered with each pass. Finally they drifted closed. He was ready.

She slipped the cord over his shoulders, leaving it hanging loose. "Your mind is bound as I bind your body. Chant it."

"My mind is bound as you bind my body..." There was a moan in each word, a begging that increased her heat. Around and back and forth and through, she caught each wrist in a loop and secured them together. He whimpered each time the soft cord slid across his skin. Goosebumps rose. She smiled, running her fingernails over his thighs. He was already hard, but at her touch his erection jumped. The tip glistened with moisture.

"Good boy..." she crooned in his ear. "Good boy, going so deep for me." The ends of the rope slipped through the loop she'd first made. She tugged, letting him feel how truly he was caught. "This is what you've always wanted. To be bound for me, mind and body. To be truly helpless. Now your body knows what it feels. And every time I tell you you are bound, you will remember this moment, and your deepest self will carry you back to right here, right now, helplessly in my thrall. You are my toy. Do you understand?"

"Yes, yes my Lady, your toy understands..." His hips pushed, feeling the tension of the rope on his skin, thrusting out into empty air. She could see that he was almost ready. "Every time, your bound and helpless and enthralled toy..."

She wrapped her arms around him from behind. "Good boy. Now my toy comes for me. Now."

She held him as he bucked and cried out. Her embrace kept him from injuring himself or pulling the ropes too tight. As he settled, loose and limp in her arms, the firm grasp turned into a slow side to side rocking motion. "Deeper and deeper. Remembering this pleasure, this bliss always. Mine."

"Yours..." he sighed. And they could both hear the joy in the sleepy affirmation.