Ten Things I've Wanted To Say To Ten Different People

I assigned my pets and Chosen this one... might as well jump in myself!

1. Hell froze over when you apologized. I'm so glad you did. The healing isn't perfect, but it's a damn sight better than it was. Thank you for owning your mistakes. I own mine too: I saw you as idealized, and I kept hoping you would find comfort and peace in us. We were too different. Namaste.
2. A part of me is missing tonight and every night until we are together in physical space again. I worry I am not strong enough to be ethical every time we part. I love you.
3. You have no idea how much I want you... but there's that lesbian sheep thing. I am trying to overcome my paralysis. I love you.
4. I keep thinking someday you're going to grow away from me and leave. I can't tell whether that's common sense or abandonment issues talking! I love you.
5. I love you and your rage scares me. Please get help.
6. You are so strong. Own your strength. I love you.
7. To multiple people: I miss howling together. I miss the Parkway under the full moon. I miss the time when the world was so simple that what happened online seemed to matter. I hope those memories make you happy as they do me. I love you all!
8. I don't even know if you're alive, but you imprinted me and shaped me. I don't know if I feel joy in what we experienced or pity for what followed. 26 years later, a full quarter of a century, and I can still see your eyes and smell your scent. I hope you are well. I fear you aren't.
9. I am utterly and completely shattered on a primal level by your loss. I hope you would be proud of me. I still cry thinking of you. I hope you are resting in peace. I fear that my grief prohibits that. The world is darker and less safe.
10. Please forgive yourself. You are not perfect. You are a good person who has sometimes made less than ideal choices. You are talented and creative no matter what your inner tape recordings tell you. You are worthy of being loved. Please let go of the energy of the memories that make you cry out aloud like a whiplash. Failing that, get yourself beaten so you can do penance and be done, OK? I love you, even when you can't accept it.