So you have your profile, you have your brief intro, and you have looked around for a Domme or two that you feel might mesh with you. So far, so good!
Now it's time to send a message. This might potentially be the hardest part of all.
If you are not in an actual chat with her, you want to send an email or a mail through the site, instead of opening a chat window, unless her profile specifically says that is welcome. Why? Because she might be text-hypnotizing someone! I've often told people that Domspace is a trance too, and no one likes having their trance, their focus, interrupted. Furthermore, if you were the person being hypnotized, you would want her focus on you.
Instead, send a message to her via a mail or message client on the site. Use your prepared intro, and ask if there's a time you can talk. Let her know she can feel free to add you and chat with you. If you've already taken the (advisable) step of listening to any free files she might have, letting her know which ones you enjoyed and why might also be a good thing. Ask if you can friend her.
Then step back. Not for a few hours... for a few days. Dommes are busy - for example, I go out of town a lot, and don't have time to answer messages until I get back. A delay doesn't mean she doesn't want to talk. She could be just that busy.
If you are lucky enough to be in an actual chat with her and she goes silent, please do not say "I'm sorry, I must be bothering you, I'll let you go." That tells her what she should be feeling. It's rude in any case with anyone, but with a Domme it's bad form. Instead, say something like "Please let me know when you're back, I'd love to keep talking with you." It acknowledges she may be busy without seeming in any way passive-aggressive.
If you are in a chat with her, ask her how she would like to be addressed. I prefer "Lady" to "Mistress," for instance. "Goddess" is something I reserve for my pets. A new potential sub starting right out calling me "Goddess" might annoy me, depending on my mood. Other Dommes prefer "Mistress" or "Goddess" right off the bat. A little bit of common courtesy goes a long way.
Also, there is a fine line between assuming her wants and desires for the conversation are more important and making her do all the work of keeping the conversation going. For instance, if she asks you about yourself and you say "What would you like to know," you're making her do the work. Expand on the quick intro you've already given her. If something interests her, she'll follow up with more questions.
Finally, for the sake of all that's holy, use proper spelling, grammar, and punctuation. You want to show you are an intelligent person. There are many Dommes for whom inappropriate grammar and spelling are like nails down the chalkboard. It also highlights D/s conventions more... if you're always using lower case, will a deferential "i" stand out? More than once, I've asked a sub if his "y" and "o" keys were broken, because he kept referring to me as "u." More than one Domme has commiserated with me over the issue. Respect her. Act like you're educated. :)
Suppose you've let a few days go by and no response. You might send another message just saying you're checking in and you would still like to chat. You're available at the following times; would any of those work for her or would she prefer to propose a time? That shows respect and deference.
Doing these things help make your first impression more positive.
Showing posts with label finding partners. Show all posts
Showing posts with label finding partners. Show all posts
Monday, January 17, 2011
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
How To Attract A HypnoDomme: Part Three: Starting Your Search
So now you have your quick introduction written. You've done some self-examination. It's time to go out and look for the Lady of your dreams!
There are numerous sites out there where you can find other like-minded people. If you don't already have an account at your chosen search sites, create one. Fill out your profile with the information you decided on earlier. I repeat: fill out your profile. Make sure you put more in there than your kinky interests. A real person is more attractive than someone who only wants sex. (Although if that is what you want, go on and put that in too. Honesty is frequently appealing.)
Another hint here: If you're not interested in professionals at all, put that in there... but you don't have to put in a dissertation about how D/s should always be free and pro Dommes are whores. Many lifestyle-only Dommes have professional friends and may be offended.
If you are comfortable with it, have a picture with your profile. Some sites allow art for pictures, others insist it be you. I prefer those that allow art because I understand that sometimes it's not safe to have a picture of yourself. If you do put up a picture of yourself, for the sake of all that's holy, don't make it a penis shot. You can always give one of those if asked.
Regardless of where you go looking - and if you're here, I assume you know some of the usual haunts - there's one thing that's absolutely, positively critical once you've filled out your own profile and started looking. It seems intuitive, but you'd be surprised how few people do it.
Read the Domme's profile and website.
You've gone through all that work to decide what you want. Yet many s-types message the first Domme that matches the search, instead of reading what she has to say about herself! Please, please avoid this mistake. It can save you a lot of heartache later. The time you invest at this stage can also save you both wasted time, if you find out right off the bat simply by reading that you would not match this Domme.
With tabbed browsers the norm these days, all you need to do is open her webpage(s) in another tab. You don't even need to lose your search in the process.
After you find one, or two, or more Dommes who look like you might match their needs and wants, it's time for the next step: That Critical First Impression.
There are numerous sites out there where you can find other like-minded people. If you don't already have an account at your chosen search sites, create one. Fill out your profile with the information you decided on earlier. I repeat: fill out your profile. Make sure you put more in there than your kinky interests. A real person is more attractive than someone who only wants sex. (Although if that is what you want, go on and put that in too. Honesty is frequently appealing.)
Another hint here: If you're not interested in professionals at all, put that in there... but you don't have to put in a dissertation about how D/s should always be free and pro Dommes are whores. Many lifestyle-only Dommes have professional friends and may be offended.
If you are comfortable with it, have a picture with your profile. Some sites allow art for pictures, others insist it be you. I prefer those that allow art because I understand that sometimes it's not safe to have a picture of yourself. If you do put up a picture of yourself, for the sake of all that's holy, don't make it a penis shot. You can always give one of those if asked.
Regardless of where you go looking - and if you're here, I assume you know some of the usual haunts - there's one thing that's absolutely, positively critical once you've filled out your own profile and started looking. It seems intuitive, but you'd be surprised how few people do it.
Read the Domme's profile and website.
You've gone through all that work to decide what you want. Yet many s-types message the first Domme that matches the search, instead of reading what she has to say about herself! Please, please avoid this mistake. It can save you a lot of heartache later. The time you invest at this stage can also save you both wasted time, if you find out right off the bat simply by reading that you would not match this Domme.
With tabbed browsers the norm these days, all you need to do is open her webpage(s) in another tab. You don't even need to lose your search in the process.
After you find one, or two, or more Dommes who look like you might match their needs and wants, it's time for the next step: That Critical First Impression.
Monday, November 22, 2010
How To Attract A HypnoDomme: Part Two: Before You Go Looking
So after being absolutely levelled by the flu last week, I'm getting back to writing. Here's the next installment in the series.
I was going to make this "That Vital First Impression," but as the week went by I realized that's not the first step. The first step is not about meeting, but about the groundwork that needs to be done before you even go out and look. And the first step in that for a submissive is beginning to understand your own needs and wants.
Many submissives forget that their own needs and wants have value. After all, as I tell people, "It's all about me," meaning me-as-Domme. And it is. On the other hand, if I'm not going to meet the submissive's needs, then the relationship is going to go nowhere very quickly. That sucks for all concerned. It's a lot more fun to deal with a submissive who knows what zie wants than to deal with one who has no idea.
That doesn't mean you have to know all of what you want, or reveal it right away. Sometimes it can be fun to be in deep hypnosis and hear yourself confessing your deepest wants to the warm voice that soothes your mind. But if you want that scenario, you already have one thing to say: "I like to feel like my needs are being pulled out of me and I can't stop it." Boom, you have a desire you can express!
Before you start a search for a Domme, sit down and think about your wants and needs. It helps if you write them down. Be honest with yourself, and sometimes it helps if you put things on a scale of one to ten in order of how important they are to you.
Are looks important to you? For some people, they're critical. If that's the case, be up front with yourself. You don't want to meet a Domme and discover she does nothing for you sexually, after all. Do you want a certain type of appearance? Build? Clothing? If so, are those things in and of themselves fetishes for you?
How about voice? Ability to meet up with your Domme in person? Knowing you will never be required to meet in person? (That might be important for married folk who wish to be secret about the affair.) Do you want your Domme to have other skills than hypnosis (bondage, sensory play, et cetera)? Do you expect to be monogamous, or are other partners OK? How about playing with others for Her pleasure? Make sure you know your boundaries!
Are you willing to pay for what you want, or do you want a lifestyle-only relationship? How much time do you want to spend submitting? (It's absolutely OK to want a non-24/7 relationship. Those are not the be-all and end-all of submission.)
This is only a partial list of things you may want to consider. Decide how important each is for you (for example, looks are not important, but you aren't going to pay for anything and you want to have a part-time D/s relationship while you look for other life partners). Remember that these wants and desires are fluid! You will find them changing throughout your time submitting. (When I first met Jukebox, for instance, public shirt-off was a limit. He's now very happy fully nude when permitted at cons!)
Next, come up with an introduction. This should be a few lines about yourself that you can readily give when you contact a Domme. We'll talk a bit more about this in the next installment, but think carefully about what you want to say. It should include important things for her to know right off about you. An example might be: "Hello... my name is [name], I'm a [age] [gender] who is looking for a hypnotic Domme while I explore submission. I'm [marital status], looking for a [full/part/very casual]-time relationship and I am/not willing to pay for time. Some of my interests are [insert here], some of my non-sexual hobbies are [insert here]. Would you be interested in talking further?"
Knowing yourself and your wants and needs can save you and your Dominant partner a lot of time, headaches, and maybe even heartache. Do this step. You'll be glad you did.
I was going to make this "That Vital First Impression," but as the week went by I realized that's not the first step. The first step is not about meeting, but about the groundwork that needs to be done before you even go out and look. And the first step in that for a submissive is beginning to understand your own needs and wants.
Many submissives forget that their own needs and wants have value. After all, as I tell people, "It's all about me," meaning me-as-Domme. And it is. On the other hand, if I'm not going to meet the submissive's needs, then the relationship is going to go nowhere very quickly. That sucks for all concerned. It's a lot more fun to deal with a submissive who knows what zie wants than to deal with one who has no idea.
That doesn't mean you have to know all of what you want, or reveal it right away. Sometimes it can be fun to be in deep hypnosis and hear yourself confessing your deepest wants to the warm voice that soothes your mind. But if you want that scenario, you already have one thing to say: "I like to feel like my needs are being pulled out of me and I can't stop it." Boom, you have a desire you can express!
Before you start a search for a Domme, sit down and think about your wants and needs. It helps if you write them down. Be honest with yourself, and sometimes it helps if you put things on a scale of one to ten in order of how important they are to you.
Are looks important to you? For some people, they're critical. If that's the case, be up front with yourself. You don't want to meet a Domme and discover she does nothing for you sexually, after all. Do you want a certain type of appearance? Build? Clothing? If so, are those things in and of themselves fetishes for you?
How about voice? Ability to meet up with your Domme in person? Knowing you will never be required to meet in person? (That might be important for married folk who wish to be secret about the affair.) Do you want your Domme to have other skills than hypnosis (bondage, sensory play, et cetera)? Do you expect to be monogamous, or are other partners OK? How about playing with others for Her pleasure? Make sure you know your boundaries!
Are you willing to pay for what you want, or do you want a lifestyle-only relationship? How much time do you want to spend submitting? (It's absolutely OK to want a non-24/7 relationship. Those are not the be-all and end-all of submission.)
This is only a partial list of things you may want to consider. Decide how important each is for you (for example, looks are not important, but you aren't going to pay for anything and you want to have a part-time D/s relationship while you look for other life partners). Remember that these wants and desires are fluid! You will find them changing throughout your time submitting. (When I first met Jukebox, for instance, public shirt-off was a limit. He's now very happy fully nude when permitted at cons!)
Next, come up with an introduction. This should be a few lines about yourself that you can readily give when you contact a Domme. We'll talk a bit more about this in the next installment, but think carefully about what you want to say. It should include important things for her to know right off about you. An example might be: "Hello... my name is [name], I'm a [age] [gender] who is looking for a hypnotic Domme while I explore submission. I'm [marital status], looking for a [full/part/very casual]-time relationship and I am/not willing to pay for time. Some of my interests are [insert here], some of my non-sexual hobbies are [insert here]. Would you be interested in talking further?"
Knowing yourself and your wants and needs can save you and your Dominant partner a lot of time, headaches, and maybe even heartache. Do this step. You'll be glad you did.
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
How To Attract A HypnoDomme: Part One - Why This Series?
I saw a post on a hypnosis website and it made me pause. It was similar to one I've seen a hundred times before, probably more than that, which is why I don't name the site or the poster. It was similar to any number of instant messages and private mails I've received on various sites. It made me sigh, because I worry that its writer will never find what zie seeks in the world of erotic hypnosis. I've seen it in regular D/s groups too, but since I do EH I'm going to confine myself to commenting on this aspect alone.
The post was by a male, and it said simply "Seeking Female hypnotist to program me to be a slave."
A Domme had responded in a way I myself have so many times. She was polite and concise. She simply asked "What do you have to offer a Domme?"
This is a legitimate question. Whether it's fair or not, the fact is that there are more cis het males seeking hypnosis on either side of the watch than cis het (and MANY more than cis bi!) women to partner them. If you completely exclude trans women as viable partners, as many of these men do, the pool gets smaller still. If I had one hundred hours in the day, I still couldn't hypnotize everyone I wish I could. I can deplore the reality of it all day long, but it is how it is. (I do my best to change it by being open to females who are interested and encouraging them, but at the end of the day the imbalance remains.)
The original poster responded to the Domme with the following sentence, verbatim: "ill surrender completely and be ur slave"
That's it. Nothing else. And it made me depressed for him, because I don't think he gets it.
Although I am a pro, I am going to take money and professional Dommes out of the equation in this series of posts. I can still easily speak to the lifestyle aspect of things, as my Chosen and pets know. But of the lifestyle-only Dommes I know, none of them would be really interested in this guy. I'm sure he has no idea what he's doing wrong. I also bet that he COULD be trained, with time, to at least be a passable sub.
I've said repeatedly that one of my goals in the fetish is to help people find partners when possible. I stick by that. To that end, I'm going to post a series of blog entries on my opinion of how to attract a hypnoDomme.
It should be emphasized that these posts are my opinion, and I welcome polite comments, additions, and dissent! Some things which I view as critical are far less important to others. Nevertheless, there are certain patterns which do tend to obstruct people in finding partners. I want to address these.
It should also be said that while some of these tips and recommendations will apply also to finding male Doms, others will not.
I write from the cis woman perspective. I especially welcome feedback by trans women.
We'll start with tomorrow's post: The First Impression.
The post was by a male, and it said simply "Seeking Female hypnotist to program me to be a slave."
A Domme had responded in a way I myself have so many times. She was polite and concise. She simply asked "What do you have to offer a Domme?"
This is a legitimate question. Whether it's fair or not, the fact is that there are more cis het males seeking hypnosis on either side of the watch than cis het (and MANY more than cis bi!) women to partner them. If you completely exclude trans women as viable partners, as many of these men do, the pool gets smaller still. If I had one hundred hours in the day, I still couldn't hypnotize everyone I wish I could. I can deplore the reality of it all day long, but it is how it is. (I do my best to change it by being open to females who are interested and encouraging them, but at the end of the day the imbalance remains.)
The original poster responded to the Domme with the following sentence, verbatim: "ill surrender completely and be ur slave"
That's it. Nothing else. And it made me depressed for him, because I don't think he gets it.
Although I am a pro, I am going to take money and professional Dommes out of the equation in this series of posts. I can still easily speak to the lifestyle aspect of things, as my Chosen and pets know. But of the lifestyle-only Dommes I know, none of them would be really interested in this guy. I'm sure he has no idea what he's doing wrong. I also bet that he COULD be trained, with time, to at least be a passable sub.
I've said repeatedly that one of my goals in the fetish is to help people find partners when possible. I stick by that. To that end, I'm going to post a series of blog entries on my opinion of how to attract a hypnoDomme.
It should be emphasized that these posts are my opinion, and I welcome polite comments, additions, and dissent! Some things which I view as critical are far less important to others. Nevertheless, there are certain patterns which do tend to obstruct people in finding partners. I want to address these.
It should also be said that while some of these tips and recommendations will apply also to finding male Doms, others will not.
I write from the cis woman perspective. I especially welcome feedback by trans women.
We'll start with tomorrow's post: The First Impression.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
