How To Attract A HypnoDomme: Part Two: Before You Go Looking

So after being absolutely levelled by the flu last week, I'm getting back to writing. Here's the next installment in the series.

I was going to make this "That Vital First Impression," but as the week went by I realized that's not the first step. The first step is not about meeting, but about the groundwork that needs to be done before you even go out and look. And the first step in that for a submissive is beginning to understand your own needs and wants.

Many submissives forget that their own needs and wants have value. After all, as I tell people, "It's all about me," meaning me-as-Domme. And it is. On the other hand, if I'm not going to meet the submissive's needs, then the relationship is going to go nowhere very quickly. That sucks for all concerned. It's a lot more fun to deal with a submissive who knows what zie wants than to deal with one who has no idea.

That doesn't mean you have to know all of what you want, or reveal it right away. Sometimes it can be fun to be in deep hypnosis and hear yourself confessing your deepest wants to the warm voice that soothes your mind. But if you want that scenario, you already have one thing to say: "I like to feel like my needs are being pulled out of me and I can't stop it." Boom, you have a desire you can express!

Before you start a search for a Domme, sit down and think about your wants and needs. It helps if you write them down. Be honest with yourself, and sometimes it helps if you put things on a scale of one to ten in order of how important they are to you.

Are looks important to you? For some people, they're critical. If that's the case, be up front with yourself. You don't want to meet a Domme and discover she does nothing for you sexually, after all. Do you want a certain type of appearance? Build? Clothing? If so, are those things in and of themselves fetishes for you?

How about voice? Ability to meet up with your Domme in person? Knowing you will never be required to meet in person? (That might be important for married folk who wish to be secret about the affair.) Do you want your Domme to have other skills than hypnosis (bondage, sensory play, et cetera)? Do you expect to be monogamous, or are other partners OK? How about playing with others for Her pleasure? Make sure you know your boundaries!

Are you willing to pay for what you want, or do you want a lifestyle-only relationship? How much time do you want to spend submitting? (It's absolutely OK to want a non-24/7 relationship. Those are not the be-all and end-all of submission.)

This is only a partial list of things you may want to consider. Decide how important each is for you (for example, looks are not important, but you aren't going to pay for anything and you want to have a part-time D/s relationship while you look for other life partners). Remember that these wants and desires are fluid! You will find them changing throughout your time submitting. (When I first met Jukebox, for instance, public shirt-off was a limit. He's now very happy fully nude when permitted at cons!)

Next, come up with an introduction. This should be a few lines about yourself that you can readily give when you contact a Domme. We'll talk a bit more about this in the next installment, but think carefully about what you want to say. It should include important things for her to know right off about you. An example might be: "Hello... my name is [name], I'm a [age] [gender] who is looking for a hypnotic Domme while I explore submission. I'm [marital status], looking for a [full/part/very casual]-time relationship and I am/not willing to pay for time. Some of my interests are [insert here], some of my non-sexual hobbies are [insert here]. Would you be interested in talking further?"

Knowing yourself and your wants and needs can save you and your Dominant partner a lot of time, headaches, and maybe even heartache. Do this step. You'll be glad you did.

A Matter Of Life And Death: Transgender Day of Remembrance

Today is Transgender Day of Remembrance. The post I promised before I got levelled by a bug is coming. Today, I'm going to talk matters of life and death.

I am a cissexual woman. That is the term for someone born XX who feels like that is, in fact, the correct gender assignment for her. Because of that, I am almost certainly not the person you should be listening to today. But I'll crave your indulgence for just a few moments before pointing you to those whose stories and feelings need and deserve to be heard.

The first person I ever talked to online live (as opposed to email or newsgroups) is a trans woman. Since that time, I have been blessed (and oh, I do mean blessed) by the friendships of several women who have undertaken the agonizing journey of leaving behind the gender they were assigned at birth and becoming their truest selves.

I am also blessed with the security of knowing that all of these women are still alive, able to be the caring, giving, strong women they are. Tragically, the facts are that trans people are at risk each and every day. Even basics most of us take for granted such as using the washroom are risky activities. Medical care is almost guaranteed to involve some level of humiliation. They are told they do not exist, that they are sick, that their pain is not real, that everything is "all in their heads."

Nearly half of all trans people have attempted suicide. Those numbers cannot be allowed to continue.

Even worse, even those who have found peace with themselves are at increased risk of violence. That is the point of Transgender Day of Remembrance. Every 20th of November, trans people and their allies stop to remember those who have been lost to violence since the previous November 20th.

Not everyone memorialized this day is a trans person. Some were killed simply because they were perceived to be acting in a manner at variance to their gender. One was a 16-month-old boy who was murdered because he was perceived to be acting like a girl. Stop and ponder that for a moment. The prejudice against trans people is so strong someone felt justified in beating a toddler to death because of it.

This cannot go on.

This evening, I will be going to the Twin Cities Transgender Day of Remembrance vigil in the Twin Cities. You can find your own event here. Then act to stop the violence, especially against Transgender people of color. Reach out. Your life will be the richer for it. You might save someone else's.

Unsure where to start? Too broke to give to trans-supportive charities? Try dropping the word "tranny" from your vocabulary as a first action. Many trans people find it offensive. At best, it's one of those words that a minority gets to use among themselves, but sound wrong and disrespectful coming from those outside the minority group. (Think "the n-word.")

Also, if you're a ciswoman and you see a "cross-dressed guy in the washroom," for goodness' sake don't freak out. Washrooms are among the most dangerous places for trans women. A simple nod and smile, as you'd do for any other woman, is appropriate. Chances are instead of a threatening move toward you, you'll see an expression of profound relief!

I do not want any of my friends to become a statistic. We have it in our power to make a difference.

***A special thanks to @widdershins_cat for her assistance with feedback on this post and links! Love you!!***

How To Attract A HypnoDomme: Part One - Why This Series?

I saw a post on a hypnosis website and it made me pause. It was similar to one I've seen a hundred times before, probably more than that, which is why I don't name the site or the poster. It was similar to any number of instant messages and private mails I've received on various sites. It made me sigh, because I worry that its writer will never find what zie seeks in the world of erotic hypnosis. I've seen it in regular D/s groups too, but since I do EH I'm going to confine myself to commenting on this aspect alone.

The post was by a male, and it said simply "Seeking Female hypnotist to program me to be a slave."

A Domme had responded in a way I myself have so many times. She was polite and concise. She simply asked "What do you have to offer a Domme?"

This is a legitimate question. Whether it's fair or not, the fact is that there are more cis het males seeking hypnosis on either side of the watch than cis het (and MANY more than cis bi!) women to partner them. If you completely exclude trans women as viable partners, as many of these men do, the pool gets smaller still. If I had one hundred hours in the day, I still couldn't hypnotize everyone I wish I could. I can deplore the reality of it all day long, but it is how it is. (I do my best to change it by being open to females who are interested and encouraging them, but at the end of the day the imbalance remains.)

The original poster responded to the Domme with the following sentence, verbatim: "ill surrender completely and be ur slave"

That's it. Nothing else. And it made me depressed for him, because I don't think he gets it.

Although I am a pro, I am going to take money and professional Dommes out of the equation in this series of posts. I can still easily speak to the lifestyle aspect of things, as my Chosen and pets know. But of the lifestyle-only Dommes I know, none of them would be really interested in this guy. I'm sure he has no idea what he's doing wrong. I also bet that he COULD be trained, with time, to at least be a passable sub.

I've said repeatedly that one of my goals in the fetish is to help people find partners when possible. I stick by that. To that end, I'm going to post a series of blog entries on my opinion of how to attract a hypnoDomme.

It should be emphasized that these posts are my opinion, and I welcome polite comments, additions, and dissent! Some things which I view as critical are far less important to others. Nevertheless, there are certain patterns which do tend to obstruct people in finding partners. I want to address these.

It should also be said that while some of these tips and recommendations will apply also to finding male Doms, others will not.

I write from the cis woman perspective. I especially welcome feedback by trans women.

We'll start with tomorrow's post: The First Impression.

Back Home Safely...

...and taking calls again! Look for me on the next few days and nights. I can't wait to get back to hypnotizing people!

This week I'll also be recording the NEEHU podcast, updating the list of hypnosis events, clearing out spam comments from the podcast page, and updating the website. And, with any luck, I'll have news on new recordings... just in time for USian Thanksgiving! :)

And I'm going to be doing my first professional photo shoot soon, so there will be more pics up...

Oh, What a Great Day!

Happiness is two people (or more) finding each other and making a life. I was so honored to be at the wedding today. The weather was lovely, the bride's dress lovelier, the bride lovelier still, the ceremony was beautiful, both bride and groom got sniffly saying their vows, the food was delicious, the cake tasty, and the dancing awesome.

Really, what more can you ask for?

Short update...

I warned you these might be short this weekend.

First, Happy Birthday to my kittyhypnoslut! I love you, kitten. See you in less than a month!

Second, Smithsonian Air and Space museum is awesome. Really.

Third, Dani is going to be gorgeous tomorrow!

And I'm getting some beauty sleep!

Travel Today Went Smoothly...

...and here I am, snug in my hotel room, with an attentive and loving Jukebox at my side.

Oh, and a reminder that "Sex Robot" is on again tonight on Discovery Health! :)

Yes, I know, short post. I'll try to write more later.

Podcast 5.2 is up, plus Forum Story Contest!

In the morning I am off to the wedding I mentioned earlier this week. Before I go, though, I did get a podcast up! It's about the floatation tank that Seran and I were in this summer, and our reactions. I had such a good time doing it that I wanted to spread it around more. I do plan to go back in the spring and have more floatation experiences.

Also, since the wedding is on my mind, have you seen this? Yes, Wiseguy has created a story contest as a gift for his blushing bride-to-be. If you're a romantic, you want to get in on this one! Think of it as a way to give back for all of the joy he's given the community through his time as a writer. I know everyone has one romantic MC story lurking somewhere down (in some cases far, far down) in the unconscious mind. Give this one a go!

Finally, the Focus Group is meeting on Monday, November 7 at 6pm at Davanni's Riverside. Come out and join us! :)

No Matter What I Wear

You've seen me dressed up in the other pictures I have posted to this blog. And I do like dressing up. As I said, I love my flowing dresses. I love my jewelry. I love to get into Dommespace by dressing the part as I feel comfortable doing so.

But no matter what I wear, how much or how little, I am a Domme.

I can be wearing a tie-dyed or black t-shirt and sweats. I can be naked to the waist. I can be wearing just nail polish and a smile.

The picture above is a still frame of a video, where I'm hypnotizing Follow The Watch... my Seran. It was a wonderful session... actually our first in-person session. And yes, I'm wearing a t-shirt and shorts. And yes, he was deeply in my power.

The delight of hypnotizing someone and turning that person into my good boy or good girl never fails to please me. I adore the way people melt at my feet. Although you can't see him in these shots, he was on his knees, blank-eyed, monotone-voiced, murmuring "Yes, my Lady" to my every suggestion.

He knew who was in charge at that time.

And no matter what I wear, that's all that matters.

Back to podcasting

Once upon a time, I had a friend who said "You love to talk about hypnosis. You should start doing a podcast."

That's how it all got started, really. Just a simple suggestion, the purchase of the rights to use dome royalty-free music, and how much I love to geek.

At first, it was easy to find the time to record. I had a lot of topics I wanted to cover. Then it got harder to find quiet time. At the same juncture, I went to events where I had no idea how to sum them up. I would try over and over and just stutter.

Still, when I moved to the Twim Cities, I promised myself that I would take the time and spend the energy to begin podcasting again. Finally, this last week, I sat down with Audacity and the microphone and went to it. To my delight, I barely skipped a beat.

To say this gave me joy doesn't begin to cover it. Yes, I'm back. And I love it. And I'm going to keep going with it, because I missed it.

You can find a link to the podcast over to the side. Give the episodes a listen. They really are a product of my love for trance.

Happy Samhain! Plus NaBloPoMo

NaBloPoMo is a thing rather like NaNoWriMo, and I'm doing it this month. Unlike NaNoWriMo, which is one month of the year and has no content restrictions, NaBloPoMo does not admit adult sites or commercial sites.

Tough. I'm doing it anyway. :) I'm just not going to link up to the main site. I could use the traffic, but screw 'em. :) I have a feeling that people will either read or not. I am not sure if I'm going to attempt NaNoWriMo or just knit like a banshee to finish my holiday gifts for my family, though!

On to more important things!

This weekend, I have the immense joy of traveling with Jukebox to the east coast to attend the wedding of Wiseguy and DaniFantom. Theirs is a genuine, dynamic erotic hypnosis love story. I will be unavailable for calls Friday until Monday afternoon as a result.

Wiseguy has been a true friend for a decade. (Gods, has it been THAT LONG??) His stories are incredible - his "Busman's Holiday" is often cited as a primer for budding erotic hypnotists. I am so very honored and delighted to be invited to celebrate with him and with Dani. Yes, I will be posting from the road... even if the post is as short as "I always cry at weddings" or some such. ;)

I'm taking calls today and tonight, by the way... look for me!